Lost…hope.
Nov 29, 2012 Uncategorized
Growing up, Everyone around me always exclaimed what an X-factor I had. They would tell me that there was something so uniquely different about me that set me apart. I relied on that little spark to make friends, get dates, land jobs, etc. I loved that there was something different about me. Something that made me love myself.
Somewhere along the way, I feel as if it has disappeared. If anyone were to look at me they would see a young, pretty girl that is just making her way through life the best she knows how. Nothing special about me. Nothing different.
Where did it go? In what moment did I lose my edge? What was so horrible to me that I left my spark behind with it?
I don’t know. It’s consumed my thoughts. Where did I go?
The same spark is in my sister, and it absolutely breaks my heart to think of her ever sitting her feeling the way that I feel now. I hope she can hold on to hers. She is so special.
I feel defeated. I feel lost. I feel inadequate. It’s in these moments where I want to call my best friend and just cry on their shoulder. However, If your best friend all of a sudden becomes a stranger to you, all you have left to do is a say a silent prayer in your heart that someone will pick up the phone and want to talk to you. It’s in those moments, that these feelings increase. Because If my “friend” wanted to talk to me, they’d call. If they miss me, they’d call. If they wanted to know how I was doing, they’d ask. Which brings me back to a sore reality that I am just not good enough. Knowing that you would give anything for someone but someone can’t do that for you because you can’t squeeze through the cracks of their heart enough to soften it is a tough pill to swallow. You’re left wondering, what’s wrong with me? what am I doing wrong? Clearly, all that I am is not good enough, or even enough, so I must try harder, I must change. I must not be likable.
This is sad.
All i want is a hug right now. I want a man that I love and loves me to hold me and just tell me that things are going to be ok. Is that so much to ask? Watching men I love walk away from me and almost instantaneously me not mean a thing to them anymore is becoming too hard a task. I just need to be loved. Is that so much to ask? Loved. Am I that hard to love…?
I just need to meet Mr. Right and convince him that I’m Mrs. Right.
My heart hasn’t quite experienced this much grief before. I am overwhelmed beyond anything that I can possible relay to those reading this right now. I just hope that I can do this with my sanity.
I know the things that make me happy and I am practicing them… I am just extremely saddened at this moment.
I do not write these things for attention or pity. I write for me. Because I need to express how I am feeling creatively. Because sometimes, this is all I know how to do.
I just feel pathetic for feeling this way too, and maybe it’s a bit humbling and definitely vulnerable to share these imperfect feelings with an audience.
anyways,
xoxoxoxo
Desirae
Definitely Doomed
Nov 24, 2012 Uncategorized
Everybody has always called me a hopeless romantic. My question is though, is it really hopeless to feel that love should be a two way street? If it is hopeless, then I am definitely doomed.
I have been evaluating (more like analyzing) my recent break up. I really loved the guy. I really could have been happy with him my entire life and onto forever. I adored every little thing about him, even the silly things. (like every time I put my hand on his forearm, he would flex, I thought it was the most adorable thing) So why didn’t we work out? Why aren’t we just working through whatever dilemma we had instead of letting it destroy us and make us believe that we could find someone better. Because that’s what a break up is, isn’t it? Knowing that there is someone more suitable for you out there. If you didn’t believe there was someone better for you why wouldn’t you keep fighting for the one you’re with?
Now, I’m not saying that there isn’t someone out there for me. I was taught once that any two people striving to the gospel can be happy together. And as much as I see that proven wrong, I am believer. There’s going to be a lot of hurt in this process. Because the only conclusion i can come to as to why we wouldn’t just work through this is because he did believe that there is someone else out there he would like or even love more. Which is the part that hurts. I would have put my heart through hell and back (and i feel I practically did) to make our relationship work. However, I do have dignity and now that the decision is made it’s made and it’s time to move on with life. And I will. I am already. It’s just hurtful to know that I wasn’t enough for him. I know that the issues we had could have worked out. I had been in a serious relationship before where he had to travel a lot for work, but he sent flowers and postcards and told me how much he missed me every day. Traveling wasn’t the issue, it was feeling like I was missed, or knowing that I was loved. My last relationship didn’t fall apart because of irreconcilable differences or cheating or anything like that, it’s just that one ofus didn’t care enough. That person didn’t express love enough and a person can only take that for so long. I don’t think that’s something that only I won’t be able to handle though, I think anyone consistently needs to be told that they are loved and missed or wanted. Even the prophets guide us to tell our loved ones those very things.
Truth be told, I will probably never see this man again or have another conversation with him. Unless he calls, which I will pick up, but he won’t. And I feel like I was on the receiving end of the break up, as much as we lie and say it was mutual.
These are just random tangents. I just know that I am picky dater, because I know how I want my life to be. I know how my marriage will work and it won’t work for a lot of guys. The kind of guy I need is far and wide in between. But i know i better meet him soon before I lose my mind. Because I need to get married. I have never felt more of an urgency than I do now. Funny that it happens once I’m single…. Maybe the guy I was dating is lucky that he isn’t with me know that I have this desire.. l
But maybe I just need someone to restore my faith in love. I know if i Marry someone, we will be so madly, deeply, head over heals in love with other that I won’t ever not believe in love. I just can’t wait for that to happen.
Well off to a Bon fire to see if MR. Right is there.
xoxoxox
Desirae
Ready.
Nov 21, 2012 Uncategorized
I just want to meet a great guy, fall in love with each other, and get married. I am sick of dating and playing games, I’m sick of wondering, I’m sick of break ups. I just want a forever with someone whom I love and loves me back. It really shouldn’t be so difficult. Why is it so difficult to find a guy who loves me enough to want that too? Who loves me so much he can’t wait for that! A guy who is ready and willing to commit to that?
Is it too much to ask? Is a goodnight kiss and good morning “I love you” too demanding? The world has made it seem so. But I just want that. I’m sick of dating. I just want to be married.
Thought of the day: trying to find someone when you’re lonely is like going to the grocery store when you’re hungry. Everything looks good but nothing is satisfying.
Xoxo
inadequacy
Nov 14, 2012 Uncategorized
As many of those who know me already know, I have a heart condition that kept me from pursuing a lot of things I love. It kind of ripped a few things out of my life and I had absolutely no control over it.
So my career choice became something that even a girl with a heart condition could do and still thrive at. My dream was to be a journalist. Lucky for me, the 3rd school ranked in the Country for Journalism was in my town. I did all I could to make sure was accepted and could start paving my path and leaving my mark on the world.
This is my first semester in the program, not even in the most rigorous years yet and I am drowning. It has been so overwhelming to keep up and do well on the assignments and tests. Now it’s a question whether I will still have the GPA to continue in my program or not and I am absolutely devastated.
It’s one thing to have something out of your power and control take away things that you love and worked so hard for, things that your heart desired so badly. But it’s whole separate kind of heartbreaking to have something taken from you because of your own inadequacy. That is truly one hard pill to swallow.
And as if feeling inadequate in schooling was enough, I constantly feel like I fail with my friends, my boyfriend, my church callings, my family. I’m either not investing enough time, planning as many activities, sharing enough feelings, etc, and I feel as if I just can’t be what everyone is needing me to be for them.
Last night was a really rough night with these thoughts. So rough that all the pain I tried to hide showed in the mascara lines that resulted from all the crying those feelings provoked. However, after a night’s rest (that seemed much too short if you ask me) I was able to think a tad more clearer and realized, those things don’t matter. Those feelings are so silly. Because honestly, I love the people who treat me right and forget about the ones who don’t. Life is too short. When I’m laying on my death bed it’s not going to matter how early I got into my program or how much money I made. I’ll tell you what is going to matter though, my friends and family knowing how much I loved them. I want to live to make sure that I am touching lives around me with everything I do, just by being me and just by living my mediocre life. I want the speakers at my funeral to tell hilarious stories about me in the hospital or how I was always the one they could call and not have to worry about me needing something in return.
so Honestly, if I can be a good friend and just make sure that I am kind to all those that I associate with, life will be just fine. I just need to remember this when I feel like I did last night, again.
I know things will always be hard. If it’s not one thing, it will be another. We just need to remember what is most important to us and make sure those are the things that we take care of.
The things that are closest to my heart are my family, my friends (my true friends), service, the Gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and being kind to all.
As long as those things are in place, I know I will be ok. as hard as things are.
xoxoxoxox
Do your best in all your take the time to do.
Desirae
Update
Oct 5, 2012 Uncategorized
I am really not very good at coming up with names for my posts. However, this will be quite spiratic and isn’t about just one topic.
Well lets see where to start… This week has been crazy. There has been a lot of unnecessary drama at work and its resulted in some changes but in the long run, and even the short run, it’s for the best and as horrible as I feel for saying this, I am thankf for the changes. I had a meeting with the owner of the company today and it went very, very well. I was recognized for much hard work and effort that I had been appearing to go unnoticed.
School starts October 17th.
I get my tilt table cardiac test on the 16. I will be out of town the last two weekends in October. This is going to be very eventful.
I am currently sitting in the airport terminal at sky harbor airport. I am reminded of how small the world is.
Today has been such an amazing day!! I am so excited to end it with my love! Tons of new and exciting things happening!
Gotta roll with the punches though!!!
Well, my flight is boarding so this is it for this post. Off to UtH I go 
Wake up, September is over
Oct 1, 2012 Uncategorized
It is October first! They last couple of weeks have been absolutely insane! Filled with all sorts of exciting adventures. My health is alright, Days are hard but I am getting throughl. I have several more tests coming up. My next test is the tilt table test on 10/16… Lots of prayers needed for that, please
My birthday just recently passed, and it was the most magical birthday of them all.
I felt so special. My party was absolutely magnificent as well!
Well, Life is filled with it’s ups and downs and lots of crazy things are happening, but I love every second of it!
That’s all for now!
Make sure you do your best for all that you take the time to do!
Hope you know, I had a hard time.
Aug 23, 2012 Uncategorized
I’m not sure where this post is going to end up, I just know that I need to write. I believe that when I don’t write my life lacks that outlet, I lose a piece of myself.
Well, I have had a much welcomed break from my heart monitor. It broke somehow on Sunday and it’s taking a few days for the new one to come. I don’t think anyone quite understands how much Of an inconvenience that thing was!
People empathize with me and I appreciate that, but no one truly gets how hard this is for me.
When waiting rooms and the back of ambulances become so familiar and routine to a 20 year old girl, that’s not normal. I shouldn’t know these things. I shouldn’t have this much experience.
However, I am grateful for all of the experience that I do have because of it. I have learned so much from having this heart condition. As much as a trial it is, it has also been a part of my biggest blessings.
Wearing that monitor was so frustrating. Loud beeping, follow up calls. I am the one that hides my pain. I don’t like everyone around me knowing every time I have a symptom. A heart condition is usually easier to hide. Unless you have a monitor no one knows what’s going on inside your chest. The monitor makes it impossible to hide.
The electrodes leaving rashes, cuts and sores on my skin isnt even just frustrating. It’s not even that anymore, it’s just heartbreaking to me. It’s disheartening.
Trying to sleep with it… Having all these wires getting tangled in everything, a machine beeping, phone calls at 4am. It’s definitely not my favorite thing. The hard part about that part is that it’s the part behind closed doors. It’s the part that no one sees or really even knows about. It makes it that much more real for me. I think that’s what makes it even harder a pill to swallow. This ailment doesn’t stop because I’m sleeping. I can’t ever just turn it off. It’s haunting me every hour of the day. Every hour. With no exaggeration.
And I miss dancing. I miss dancing so much. I miss feeling like I’m in shape. I just hate how hard my heart works when I’m just sitting here. It feels like I ran a marathon. It’s really uncomfortable too.
People just don’t get it.
I come off really strong and that I’m ok with this and I’m not crying inside.
People just don’t see all I’ve had to sacrifice an they think that it’s no big deal. It’s just another thing to get through. Which it is, but Its not something that when it goes away its just done.
This has been a hurricane in my life and nothing has been untouched by it.
I guess that’s where I’m at right now. My heart yearns for things that it physically and emotionally can’t have and that’s the greatest pain of all. It’s something that I have no control over.
All I know is that I am not given anything I can’t handle. So I’m trying my hardest to handle it with all the grace in the world.
My heart is just grieving. It’s reaching with no success and I don’t know what to do with this feeling.
Month 8. day 21.
Aug 21, 2012 Uncategorized
This has been a crazy month so far. I will be starting at ASU’s Walter Cronkite soon and I am beyond excited. I absolutely love that I am doing something that I love and following my dreams. Or at least one of them.
I have learned several lessons in the not so distant past and am only continuing to learn more. I hope I am taking from them all that I need to be.
In some situations, I have absolutely no idea what to do. All I know to do is treat others the way I want to be treated and rely so heavily on the Lord. I know that he has felt everything that I have and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. I know that I am never alone. There is also someone who understands. Because sometimes, the biggest trial I face is “No one can possibly understand this” (especially when it comes to my heart condition and all the tests and monitors and passing out, losing consciousness, etc.) I can find complete comfort in the fact that Christ does understand. He is by my side every step of the way.
Life can get really overwhelming sometimes. There is so much trivial things we must give attention to to live in this world healthily. However, I think we get so caught up in those things that we lose sight of what’s really important. We need to live for Christ. To please him, not ourselves, not our peers, or overseers. To Please our Father in Heaven. If we are doing all that we can to make him happy, then we will be happy. The people that don’t want that kind of lifestyle will live their own and unfortunately fall short of superior happiness.
Basically, just go back to basics. Everything else will fall into place.
Trials
Jul 27, 2012 Uncategorized
We are never asked to run farther than we are able or longer than we are able. But we will be asked to run with all we’ve got, as far as we can.
When we receive trials, try to be grateful! Heavenly Father trusted that you were strong enough and that you could handle this particular trial. The harder the trial may seem to you, the more Our Heavenly Father sees in you.
Sometimes, it’s really hard to see that. We all have that trial in our life that is so incredibly hard and it just leaves our world a completely different place.
For me, that trial has followed me around for 4 years. It’s haunting. It’s exhausting. It’s embarrassing. It’s frustrating. It’s made me surrender some of the core things that made me, me.
I had to learn that happiness comes completely from inside you. Absolutely nothing around you.
I also learned that our trials are shaping us into who we will truly be at the heart.
So when your strength is being tried, think twice and be grateful.
Update.
Jul 18, 2012 Uncategorized
I know it was my new years resolution to blog every single day. Clearly, there hasn’t been a post in several days.
There is a reason, but I just wanted to update and let everyone know that I am ok and that I am happy.
I am so blessed and the Lord is right by my side day and night.
That’s all I can say right now, but I am thankful for all the love and support that has been shown to me by my friends and family.
Thought of the last few weeks: places and things and activities don’t matter. People matter.
Month 7. Day 8.
Jul 9, 2012 Uncategorized
Today, Today, Today. Today just made my heart smile.
I had a church meeting this morning, and what a way to start the day. It was great. I love the church and all of it’s organizations so much. Where would we be without them?
I had some time between the meeting and church to cook breakfast and read some of my book. That was nice. I also caught up with a roommate and that was much needed and so great. She is so sweet and My life is so blessed to have her in it. Honestly, How did I hit such a jackpot? The people in my life are so incredible. Just who they are, they are so great and They all genuinely care. That is so rare! I am just so incredibly grateful for those that are in my life… I couldn’t imagine life without the friends that I have.
Church was great. I love how inspired all of the teachers are. Relief Society was especially amazing today. I loved it. The lesson really hit home.
After church, Our house was home taught and then I went over to The Linford’s house for a DELICIOUS dinner and some funny conversations! After Dinner, Jason and I just talked for a very long time. I sure do love just talking to him. It’s wonderful. He’s really the biggest sweetheart I know.
Today was just an incredible day, full of smiles and the spirit. What a great Sunday! Hopefully, that’s setting the tone for the week.
Thought of today: Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
x0x0x0x0x
Desirae
Month 7. day 7.
Jul 9, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was a very exciting day! I got much accomplished and enjoyed the whole day.
Most of it was really relaxing.
I had a shift at work and made a lot of tips That’s always fun.
After work, I went to my favorite guys house and hung out for a bit. I love spending time over there:)
Thought of the day: Failure is a step you take on the way to success.
x0x0x0x0x0x
Desirae
Month 7. Day 6.
Jul 7, 2012 Uncategorized
Happy International Kissing day!
Well today I made cookies and ran some errands.
I also worked tonight. I really do enjoy working there!
After work, I had a date:) we painted a sheet full of all sorts of happiness. I had a lot of fun! I also just enjoyed spending time with my date
Today was a very good day.
I realized that even though things don’t work out like you planned, the work out how they’re supposed to.
Thought of today: do something today, that you’re future self will thank you for.
Month 7. Day 5.
Jul 7, 2012 Uncategorized
Well today I slept in because I have seriously gotten 2 hours of slew every day for at least a week. It finally caught up to me and my body was not leaving that bed til it slept well!
I hung out with my favorite guy and his family for a bit and ran some errands before work. It was a pretty relaxing day.
I went into work, and I realized that for me, that job is really rewarding. Not that I would ever want to do it forever but I just really enjoy it. I am so grateful that that’s the attitude I had. It makes it easier. I also love the people I work with. They are all so fun!
After work, I talked to a friend for a while and afte a bit, my favorite guy and I escaped the world for a bit.
I really needed it and am just so glad I got to spend some time with him.
I was thinking about it today and my friends are seriously the best. I am so blessed to have so many people who truly love and care about me. I hope the ones that I care about know it and wouldn’t hesitate to ask of they ever needed something.
I am just blessed to have the people in my life that I do and I am so grateful. Sometimes I don’t feel I deserve it, but I am so grateful nonetheless.
Thought of today: out of all the things you do today, don’t forget to smile.
Month 7. Day 4.
Jul 6, 2012 Uncategorized
Happy Independence day!
Today is a bitter sweet day! I am so excited to see J.J. Linford perform tonight, but I have a warm and quiet solitude in my heart today remembering all those that fell for our freedom.
The Diamond House hosted a breakfast this morning that was just so delicious! Good Company makes any meal tastier.
I went to work to take care of some paperwork and then went back home and took a 30 min nap that was much needed… but I needed more for sure! BUT I was ok. I headed over to a friends house and hung out there for a bit and then we all headed over to the Tempe Town Lake Concert and Firework show… Of course we were only going to see Jeff and Jason perform. It was a fun ride and two of us got to go in before the gates even opened to save seats for everyone! It was so neat! I loved it!
The concert was Fabulous. The Linford’s did absolutely incredible. The whole audience was just captivated! I love their music. I can’t wait for the 23rd! They are releasing an EP on itunes and I am *SO* excited!
After the concert, I got to go backstage with Jason and watch the fireworks.
The fireworks were absolutely captivating. They just take my breath away.
I think I am just plain and outright fascinated with the sky. I love the stars, the moon, the clouds, shooting stars, and fireworks. It’s a healthy obsession. It just stops time for me. It makes me feel so much closer to Heaven. Maybe I am weird but “it is what it is.”
I think it is so interesting how so much can change too. I was thinking a lot about that tonight. One of my favorite quotes is, “When you look back a year so much has changed, but day to day you can’t see it” It’s true. I was thinking back to July Fourth of 2011 and where I was and the people I was with and what I did that day everything that surrounded that day and it’s festivities and then this years and it’s crazy to see how much can change in one year. I think this year was one of my favorites so far, though.
I was sincerely happy. It felt like time stopped and all that happened in those moments were all I would ever need. Sadly, that’s not the case and reality slipped back in through the crack under the door, but It was a surreal night. I am left with many good memories that I hope don’t fade too quickly.
Thought of today: Don’t let the Shadows Of yesterday spoil the sunshine of tomorrow.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Desirae
Month 7. Day 3.
Jul 6, 2012 Uncategorized
July third, 2008. I am with my Aunt and Uncle On the way to Olive Garden.
I haven’t eaten in A day and a half because my appetite had been hit or miss that week. We were blasting music and laughing along.
My dad called me and asked me where I was.
I was confused. He knew I was with my aunt and uncle. He said he couldn’t tell me what was wrong when I asked but he gave me a message to relay, “Grandpa is code blue” 16 yr old me didn’t know what code blue meant. I told them the message and I have never seen anyone in more of a rush in my life. We went at least 80 all the way to hospital. I remember being so confused.
We sprinted from the truck to the hospital entrance and I remember thinking that “grandpa is dying… This is it. Desirae, stop being pessimistic. He’s not dying. Grandpa won’t ever die. He is invincible. He beats the odds. He’s a fighter.”
We went up to his floor and walked around the corner.
The sight I saw that day is not one to be soon forgotten. I get teary eyed just thinking about it. There were doctors and nurses crowded in his room. Yelling medical terms out to each other that I didn’t understand.
Grandma was in the hall, the rock she is, with red eyes and a broken heart.
I knew my pessimistic thought was just the realistic thought. After I don’t even know how long, it seemed like an eternity, after no response, any attempts to save my grandpa had ceased.
His time here was done. His scene had closed.
That was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with. It really got to me. I remember being able to go into his room afterwards by myself with his body and talk to him.
I prayed so hard in that room. it was one of the most spiritual experiences in my life. I gained such a strong testimony of the plan of Salvation and eternal families. What happened in that room completely changed me.
I was so young, I didn’t know what to do with that emotion, that knowledge, the change. It may have been a bit round-about, but I got there. And I couldn’t be more grateful.
Celebrating that independence day was very solemn. And the week thereafter is a blurr but I remember it like it was yesterday.
My grandpa was such a happy person. He loves his wife, his kids, grand kids.
He always had a lesson to teach and we always have a story that he left us with.
I think of him more often than not and how much I wish I was with him right now.
Thought Of the Day: What Matters most, is what matters longest, and families are forever.
Month 7. Day 1.
Jul 2, 2012 Uncategorized
The month definitely started off right.
I’ll start from the beginning.
A friend came over this morning because she works overnight shifts at a nearby hospital and lives pretty far and had to work again tonight and didn’t want to drive back to sleep and drive back so we had her crash at our place!
She was going to come to our ward with us and we both set alarms… That we both slept through. One of my roommates came in and woke us up a half hour before church. So we seriously rushed to get ready. Shower and everything and we were ready in 35 min and we weren’t too late for church! I was so impressed with myself.
After church, my favorite guy and I went straight to my parents house and played some games with my family. It was pretty fun! I love my family!
After some time there, we went over to his family’s house and had a BBQ and talked for a while and listene to music and such. I love meaningful conversation. And I love that what makes it meaningful is how you approach it. It’s so interesting to see how much of a difference that makes.
Side note: I love days where something big happens but when you woke up you had no idea that was going to happen. Adds to the movie magic of life. Hahaha
I am a very happy girl right now.
Thought of the day: the best things come from doing what you fear most.
Xxxxxxooooooxxxxxooooo
Des
Month 6. Day 30.
Jul 1, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was an incredible, spend some time upside down in front of the fridge incredible.
I slept in and then was in the right place, at the right time and received a huge blessing and I am very excited.
I randomly got a job at Tia Rosa’s, Which I am so excited about because I am addicted to those raspberry slushes! MMMHHHMMM. I know the owner really well too, so that is going to make it so much more fun.
After I got back for Tia Rosa’s, I had a meeting down in the conference center of hampton and got some paperwork and stuff for the petitions I am participating in. That was neat. I love being apart of a good cause and making a real difference that people believe in.
I came home and someone randomly showed up for my roommate but my roommate was not home so I was in charge of entertaining him while he waited for her, HAHA that was interesting. I cooked Scallopped potatoes and boy they were yummy! I started unpacking some more in my room and trying to get things out of boxes and organized. Then my favorite guy came and picked me up and we went to his concert and I helped them set up and get things ready and it was so much fun! I always loved the behind the scenes stuff, showing up early staying late kinda thing.
The concert was INCREDIBLE. I could seriously listen to them play all night long. They did really well, and the audience totally was thinking and feeling the same thing.
I really enjoyed myself.
They opened it up to let people perform some of their stuff too and that went really well! There were so many musically talented people that were there, It was really great to see everyone open up!
There was some interesting drama that involved cops and a drunk guy. HA never a dull moment… and of course only things that could happen in the movies. I love it.
I just loved every second of tonight! I am so glad I was able to be apart of it.
I also had one of my best friends move in and I am so excited! she is the sweetest person ever and now I can see her whenever I want. I love it. So grateful.
MMHHMM ice cream sounds so good right now.
random, anyways, the thought of today and we’ve all heard this one before, but
“Life is not about the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.”
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Desirae
Month 6. Day 29.
Jul 1, 2012 Uncategorized
So Honestly This blog is a little late. But I went to work and when I got off I moved more of my stuff into my new room and worked like crazy trying to unpack and organize stuff. I was fortunate enough to have some men come and help me with the dresser I couldn’t take downstairs. We all talked for a while and it was fun! I love just hanging around like that and talking. A few of us went to the Freedom Festival and that was neat. I found m Uncle’s Memorial right away.
Walking through all of it though made me so sad for each one of those individuals families. The pain that me and my family felt has been felt by so many and will continue to be felt by so many and that thought breaks my heart… I wish I could do something to help those families and make it better. I just want everyone to be happy.
After the freedom festival, a few more people met up at the Diamond House and hung around and talked some more before we kicked them out to go to bed.
The thought of today is: I don’t need luck. I need opportunities.
x0x0x0x
Desirae
Month 6. Day 28.
Jun 29, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was simply wonderful. It was just such a relaxing day. I love when there is nothing planned, and you don’t have to feel so overwhelmed thinking of all there is to do.
Work was very unproductive today, So I just got paid to have 6 hours of free time and look some stuff up and chat with people and stuff.
After work, a friend came over and played Call of Duty Black Ops with me. It was fun! I haven’t played in a while so I am glad I was able to keep up. I totally dominated the last round too. It was EPIC. I needed that.
After a few rounds, I unpacked some of my stuff in my new room and then found myself taking a nap. That felt good, I really needed a nap. I slept for a while and then woke and and went scorpion hunting! It was kinda scary but it was so interesting! And I got to spend time with someone I wanted to spend time with so it was perfect!
Today was a good day.
I also received an answer to a prayer and it was so neat to me, because Heavenly Father really does use his children as instruments in his hands and everything really does happen for a reason, and sometimes that reason is so that someone else can be blessed. I love that. I am also extremely grateful.
thought of today: Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
x0x0x0x0x0x0000xx
Desirae
Month 6. Day 27.
Jun 28, 2012 Uncategorized
Today is my roommates birthday!!!
I went to work today but definitely had a hard time waking up and getting to it this morning.
Work was slow and somewhat unproductive, I regret to say.
But my coworker lent me his X-box for the weekend.
That will help take care of some stress… Just to let some steam off.
I started my move today and got nearly everything into my new room.
All that is left upstairs is a few who’s its and what’s its and a dresser that I can’t carry and then all my bathroom stuff.
But my room is basically all here and I have much unpacking to do now. That’s the part I don’t like. I am wanting company to talk to while I do so this week.
The weather today was so beautiful. I opene my front door and I just feel in love with what I saw. Storms are something that make my heart smile.
I taught country dance tonight and we had a fairly large class tonight! It was great! I had fun dancing a bit and then I came home and chatted with some friends and here I am laying bed in my new room. I can hear footsteps upstairs which is so new to me and I don’t know if I like it yet or not. I can see myself liking it but for now it’s something that is new.
I was very happy today.
Thought of the day: you can’t always choose the music that life plays for us, But you can choose how you dance to it.
Xoxoxoxoxxxxoooo
Desirae
Month 6. Day 26.
Jun 27, 2012 Uncategorized
I can’t believe it is already day 26. That is crazy how time flies!
Well, I just had one of the most incredible nights.
But before I get to the good part, you have to hear about the rest of my day. Well it was quite wonderful. Thank you for asking.
Everyone in the office had a meeting in Scottsdale so only two of us were left in the office. We did so many random things… Just to make time pass. I also took the opportunity to take a nap in my office. Which I did, indeed, get paid for.
When I got home I started moving some of my stuff into my new room! I have until Saturday morning to have my room cleared out!
I also played “Just Dance” on the kinect and chatted with my mom.
Then…. I went on a date!
That’s the good part.
He took me to Olive Garden and I had some scrumptious Alfredo! And of course their famous breadsticks. Mmmhhhmmm. For desert, we had Something that started with a Z but they were like the Italian version of a sopapilla that you dip in chocolate. That’s heaven right there. Mmmhhhmmm. Yes. That was bliss.
We even sat on the same side of the table 
we were also doubling but that meant we got to hold hands under the table. I have to admit that I may have kinda really liked that.
Mom, this part is just for you. So I Need to be trying new things, right? Well I had fried zucchini tonight. And ate the whole thing. Not the whole serving but the whole little tot thing. Haha
When we got out of the restaurant it was very stormy looking and it just made the night so much greater! I love that because it’s not something that anyone has control over!
We then went to “The Practice Pad” and listened to some amazing music and watched J.J. Linford play us some of their stuff. It sounds so amazing! We also danced and that, of course, was a blast.
We talked and hung out for a bit and cuddled…. :)
And listened to more music and I got my own little private concert and just enjoyed every last second of it.
I am half asleep right now so I’m not sure what sense the thought of the day is going to make,
Thought of the day: happiness never lays a finger on its pulse.
It’s a metaphor.. Think about it.
Goodnight.
Xoxoxo
Desirae
Month 6. Day 25.
Jun 26, 2012 Uncategorized
Today truly was incredible. I woke up with a million and one problems to solve and felt extremely overwhelmed. I was provided a very tender mercy today that is still unexplainable but was able to start my morning off right:)
I plowed into my work because it takes my mind of things and helps me focus on other things.
I was praying my little heart out that I would be able to figure things out and just make things make sense!
One by one, each problem was addressed. One right after another until everything was resolved. It was truly incredible. So now I know what to do in all aspects and the rest is action steps. I am so grateful.
The last little bit has felt like such a roller coaster… Ups and downs and no plateaus…
I am hoping that im getting off the roller coaster and on my way to the churro stand now…
Family home evening was so much fun tonight
After fhe we had a movie night with some friends.
Thought of today: sometimes the questions are complicated, but the answers are simple.
Comfort
Jun 25, 2012 Uncategorized
I am so grateful for the ability I have to feel the spirit. I am grateful that I am worthy to feel the spirit and that Heavenly Father Trusts me enough to share certain things with me through it.
Last night I was for lack of a better term, very broken hearted. In it’s literal sense. Not the “I just got dumped, I’m wallowing” sense. I just had so much on my mind, and it felt like it was just being added to by the minute. I was really sad about a couple different things and then just stressed about a few others and some things happened yesterday during the day that just sent me into a shock.
So I was laying in bed, just broken and left with my thoughts, wondering what I should do in regards to the millions of situations that I was trying to sort through, and I was so disheartened. That feeling is the worst. I just prayed that I could be comforted and that I would be able to find the peace that I was searching for.
As I closed my eyes, My sisters voice started singing in my head. She was singing to me and I instantly felt that peace. I was able to completely feel at ease, and My soul was so calm and I just drifted off. I am so grateful for that comforter.
There have been so many times where I have needed that comfort to think straight, and rid that horrible broken feeling from my heart and EVERY single time, without fail, when I pray and ask for that peace, it is delivered.
I was able to think clearly this morning too, and although I don’t know what to do in every situation, I feel just peaceful and I was able to think clearly about them and figure out what to do in some of them.
Just very grateful for that today, and for the atonement because I know that this feeling wouldn’t be possible if it weren’t for that.
<3
I am so blessed. I know this.
Desirae
Whoops.
Jun 25, 2012 Uncategorized
I also got to see my best friend today!
I haven’t seen him since he has been home from his mission but he surprised me and showed up to my ward!
Month 6. Day 24.
Jun 25, 2012 Uncategorized
Oh boy. Today has just been quite an emotionally taxing day. Sometimes I wish I had that person… You know, the one you can just talk to aimlessly for hours. But oh Well.
Church was great today and I got to spend the morning with my sister… I adored that.
Our ward sang at a stake fireside tonight and it was really powerful.
We had a surprise party for my roommate tonight and I feel it was a huge success.
I am so glad so many people came to love and support her. People were so thoughtful.
A certain taylor swift song plays in my mind in regards to how I am feeling right now.
Thought of today: Many people think they will find balance once they reach success; However, achieving balance is success.
Goodnight.
Des
Month 6. Day 23.
Jun 24, 2012 Uncategorized
Mmmhhhmmm today…. Well I woke up and headed out to my cousins bridal shower with my mom! It was a lot of fun! I saw some family and got to chat a bunch and enjoy some yummy food:)
After the bridal shower I came home and took a nap! I spent some time with a friend just talking and eating candy.
I went for a run tonight. When I run to clear my mind I try to run faster than my thoughts. Well my thoughts were going pretty fast because I had a 5:40 mile tonight. It felt really great! I did a few miles and came home and found a lovely treat on my doorstep.
I went grocery shopping and then went and picked up my little sister for a sleepover!
Thought of today: When you make a difference in someone else’s life, you make a difference in your own.
Month 6. Day 22.
Jun 24, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was a good day! I worked all day and it was boring during some parts but I had a lot of work to do and it was actually a pretty good day! We had some fun meetings going on and ha some fun conversations!
After work, I ran some errands and then came home and watched a movie.
We watched “the ultimate gift” I cried through the entire thing. That movie just tugs at the strings on your heart. It was a really great movie though…
My roommates and I then went to a neighborhood barbecue in a nearby neighborhood, painted each others nails and chatted.
I then went somewhere alone to sort through some things. I just wanted to enjoy the beauty in simple things and there’s this place that is just perfect.
Thought of today: sometimes what’s important is that when you lay your head down at night, you can honestly say that you did your very best today.
I did my best today.
Xoxo
Desirae
month 6. Day 21.
Jun 22, 2012 Uncategorized
Today I was running the office again because The guy who usually does was still sick.
I love it. We had a few interviews today and a training class. The training class yelled my name across the office to call me in to have me introduce myself a bit more. I love that feeling of like 50 people yelling your name. It’s powerful! So I went in and hung out with them for a bit.
We had a creeper in the office today that had come in for an interview. He was harassing the manager that was interviewing him and then she had to ask him to leave several times before he actually went to leave and then on his way out he tried the same thing on me… It was so creepy. I definitely did not appreciate it and it made me so glad that the people I am typically surrounded by are nothing like that! ew.
After work, My mom and I went shopping for a gift for my cousin’s bridal shower this weekend. That was fun. My mom and I are so silly.
Then, we went back to my place and painted nails and chatted!
I also had a friend come and take a look at our empty room cuz she is looking for a place but as soon as she heard the name of our landlord she completely changed her mind. It was such a bummer cuz she would have been a great roommate but oh well. Our landlord is a bit crazy, so I guess that’s what she gets.
I played my guitar for a bit and wrote more to this song that I am working on.
I somehow fell asleep in the middle of my floor and was woken up by roommate to go out for the night.
We went to a cancer benefit concert and enjoyed some live music and some interesting conversations.
After the concert I came home, showered and pulled out my heating pad and am just relaxing and listening to music.
Thought of today: Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
Month6. Day 21.
Jun 21, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was a great day. I got up for work and got a call from the front office manager at work saying he was really sick and was taking the day off, asking me to run things for him today. So, I rose to the occasion! I told him to take as much time to get better as he needed because I sure do love running the office. I was the QUEEN of multitasking today. I did literally everything… all at one time… and still managed to find time to browse silly things on the internet and write articles and do some research, and make a few personal phone calls.
I worked a pretty long day but It was good to be focused on things. I didn’t want to let my mind wander too much today.
After work, a few friends stopped by. One just came by to talk and the other came to bring me cake! YUMYUMYUM 
I sure do get treated like a princess. People just come bearing cakes and all sorts of sugary goodness!
I got changed real quick for the evening. I headed to the country swing dance hall and taught an hour dance lesson. I love dancing. I love teaching.
I had a special friend show up and we danced a few dances once we opened the floor to the open dance. I loved it. I love dancing. I already said that. I just love it so much. With all the different emotions that I have experienced this week, there is no way i could have NOT danced and been O.K.
After Dance, I had the opportunity to see behind the scenes of some really cool things. I don’t think I can share much but I enjoyed absolutely every second of it. I love seeing behind things and seeing as things unfold… etc. I don’t really know how to explain it. But It was good for me.
Music really does mean so much to me. I have noticed that so much more this week. I love every part of music.
It was a great night.
I have felt kind of off this week, but after all of today’s events I feel much better about everything.
The thought of today is: You don’t try to build a wall. You don’t set out and say, “I’m going to build the biggest, baddest, greatest wall that has ever been built.” You say, “I’m going to lay this brick as perfectly as a brick can be laid.”
You do this every single day, and soon you have a wall.
x0x0x0x
Desirae
Month 6. Day 19.
Jun 20, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was a good day. I woke up this morning and got ready for work and went in. It was a pretty good day. Our phones and internet weren’t working for the first 3 hours so my co-worker and I just took pictures on the webcam and talked and goofed off a bit and facebook stalked people on his laptop which was mysteriously working. It was fun to not do anything.
When the lines got back up, we started making a bit of headway on our days work.
After work, I went over to my mom and dad’s house to hang out with my mom and Sister. After hanging out there for a few hours, I went to meet up with some friends to see a movie. We were seeing a Disney movie so I invited my little sister because I knew she would love to see the movie (even though she had already seen it) and I know she likes hanging out with me and my friends anyways. So we all saw, “Mirror, Mirror” It was such a great movie. I really enjoyed it.
After the movie, we hung out by the fountain outside the mall for a bit and just chatted.
We then headed back to my house and I made dinner for my sister and I. I then took my sister home and picked up a cake that someone had so kindly dropped off for me. MMMhhhmmm… A girl can never have too much chocolate.
I got home around 9, took my shower and climbed into bed with my giant teddy bear and here I am.
Ready to sleep tight and drift away into a world where my problems consist of having too much chocolate and not a big enough stomach to eat it all! haha
Thought of today: I understand now that the vulnerability I’ve always felt is the greatest strength a person can have. You can’t experience life without feeling life. What I’ve learned is that being vulnerable to somebody you love is not a weakness, it’s a strength.
Month 6. Day 18. Take 2.
Jun 20, 2012 Uncategorized
So I finished off work, reading many random articles online and trying talking to people.
After work, I came home and indulged in a nice shower… After my shower I made a delicious dinner of A good chicken Pasta thing but I put vegetables in it… (Mom, you’re shocked right now, I know.)
Then the ward employment specialist came over to help me search for my dream job. My roommates and I talked for a bit. I curled my hair and watched “A Little Princess” I then curled my roommates hair and listened to music.
We went to FHE just a smidge late but it was a lot of fun. We played Battle Charades. It was the same set up as catch phrase but it was charades. It was so much fun! Afterwards, I talked to a friend for several hours and played the piano and showed her some songs that I had been working on. We had a really deep conversation that I really needed. and I really needed to play that music.
After That we saw some friends who had also lingered for a bit after FHE working on church calling stuff so we chatted with them for a bit and then took off. When I got home, My roommates were just the best to me. I got a massage and we watched the movie I wanted to even though they didn’t want to and they knew I would just fall asleep anyways! We watched “A Cinderella Story”
I fell asleep half way through, surprise, surprise! but woke up and somehow made it to my room. I was then informed that one of our friends who own a pest control company had come over to spray our house for us because Little ol’ me is not a fan of those critters. I needed to chat with this person so I texted him real quick and anyways I caught him before he was completely gone and we ended up talking for several more hours. It was much needed and liberating conversation… At least that’s how I feel.
The thought of today: The ones who say “you can’t” and “you won’t” are probably the ones that are scared that you will.
Month 6. Day 18. Probably only Part 1.
Jun 18, 2012 Uncategorized
It’s only 10AM. I have been in the office an hour and half now… and all my assignments are done and quotas met for the day. I feel abnormally productive today.
I woke up an hour early than I needed; after one of the best nights sleep I’ve had in a long time, Made breakfast, couldn’t eat breakfast, got all dressed up for work, remembered what I had planned for after work, and changed a million times, talked to a friend for a few minutes, and still got to work half an hour early.
And here I am. I have written about 3 different articles this morning about all sorts of things and have been analyzing the heavens out of my thoughts.
Sometimes I drive myself crazy. What I’ve been thinking a lot lately though, is be careful what you wish for. You just might get it. I don’t think people truly grasp this concept sometimes. I know sometimes I don’t, but I try my best too, because I tend to think long and hard about consequences.
I hate the feeling where you have so much to say but you know it’s best just not to say it. That’s how I feel today.
However, I also feel extremely peaceful. Today seems very Surreal. Maybe it’s because I actually slept last night. Hm.
Well, I am going to knock off a bunch of stuff off of my to-do list, adios!
Month 6. Day 16.
Jun 17, 2012 Uncategorized
After about an hour of sleep, I woke up and drove out to the lake with a bunch of friends and enjoyed the beautiful outdoors. Hung out on a boat for a while, enjoyed the breeze, and definitely enjoyed the company.
Had a little BBQ when we got back to shore and then headed back to the valley.
Afte I was home and showered I slipped into a giant Tshirt and let myself sleep the day away.
I woke up an hour before my date and got ready in record time. Quite proud of myself actually.
The date was so much fun! We went to dinner at Garcias which is one of my favorites and then we went to game works! We had a little healthy competition trying to beat each other at the games! It really was so much fun.
There was something cool about tonight. I have had a lot on my mind an been trying to sort out a lot of different things but tonight it felt like I had been taken out of that world completely and put into this other world for a few hours just to enjoy myself. It was great!
Thought of today: if it’s important to you, you’ll find a way. If it’s not, you’ll find an excuse.
Xoxoxo
Desirae
Month 6. Day 15.
Jun 16, 2012 Uncategorized
Wow, June is half over. I feel it just started yesterday.
Well today was quite a roller coaster, to be honest.
I was supposed to go to work, come home and make dinner, feed the missionaries, and then was to JesterZ with a friend and have a girls night!
But this is what my day really was, because nothing can go a planned. Ever. Ever.
I went To work… And I actually had a really great day! I chatted with my manager before one of the interviews she was running and she opened up to me about some stuff and it was good to e able to talk to her and help sort through it. All the applicants I spoke to came in and they were all so nice and sweet. I loved it. I goofed off with the webcam a bit and took silly pictures.
There was a conference call I was invited to report to today. So I got to spend an hour on the call and learned some great things not just for my job but for life.
Work went by really fast.
I got home and turned the radio on, as usual. And as I was just re touching my make up for the night, my heart started racing. I thought it would pass but when it didn’t, I called my mom and asked her what to do. She said she would come over but that I need to call my cardiologist. So I did and they told me to go to ER. The nurse stayed on the line until my mom got there.
My grandma and mom were having a girls day so my grandma was with her. They took me to the ER and I couldn’t breathe.
My body went completely numb.. I couldn’t feel anything. I was so weak. When we arrived my grandma dropped us at the door and my mom helped me walk in. That’s all I remember… According to my mom though, I guess once I had taken a few steps I said I was going and just collapsed. She yelled for help an all the nurses went and got a wheel chair and some one else in the waiting room jumped up and caught me. I’m just glad I didn’t hit my head. The next thing I remember is waking up in the room.
They got me hooked up to all the machines…
I still couldn’t breathe. My body was still numb. I was so scared.
I guess I passed out again and my grandma and mom said I stopped breathing and wouldn’t come to when they were shaking and yelling for me… Again, I don’t remember it…
After I woke up and came to I focused really hard on my breathing and started getting a bit more under control.
I started making friends with my nurses because I always want to be their favorite patient, and they started running all their tests.
After a few hours, they discharged me with a heart medicine (a very hard drug to take because of the effects it has on your body) and instructing to go back to my cardiologist next week and see where to go from here.
I cannot express how heartbroken I am. Literally!
I thought I was done. Just last week the cardiologist was exclaiming that I was cured. I am so sad and disappointed!
I wish there were words to describe how I feel right now.
I thought I had finished fighting to stay conscious. I thought I would be able to live a normal life.
I am praying so hard that this is just a fluke and it never happens again.
I definitely didn’t expect to feel the way I feel now going to bed when I woke up this morning. I expected the day to be drastically different. And I am honestly on the brink of tears.
Music is keeping me grounded though.
I did receive sunflowers though in a beautiful vase… It was so thoughtful. And they make me smile every time I see them.
I Watched my favorite movie tonight and cuddled so the day wasn’t all bad. I’m still just so heartbroken.
Thought of today: There is a window of opportunity for everything. (this referring to a million and one things going on right now…)
Goodnight….
Desirae
Month 6. Day 14.
Jun 15, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was a blessed day. The first experience after I opened my eyes set the entire tone for it! Ah, I loved it.
I went into work in a comfy tshirt, which makes any day good but I had a side splitting migraine so they were just lucky I came in at all. But I got to work and had a couple meetings. The first one was with the district manager and she just told me how much she values me and how she knows she can leave the office anytime and know that I’ll take care of it and make sure that what needs to get done, gets done. It felt good to hear that!
I went back in my office and did some more busy work and then got calle for another meeting with the office manager. He basically said the same thing and we went over my stats and of course they were amazing!
He was asking me if I needed anything, etc “because I take care of the successful, so if there’s anything I can do as a boss or a friend, let me know.”
He is LDS too, so we talked about my recent decision to start preparing for a mission. An I think it’s so interesting because he told me that he was thinking the other day what a great missionary I would be. So many people have said that they thought that recently. Which is so great!
He said something to me that really stuck out to me cuz it’s something that I have always told myself to keep my head above water. He said, “you’ve done hard things before. You can do hard things again” which is absolutely true.
So that meeting was great, and the rest of work was chill.
After work, I drive out to Glendale to help my Grandma sift through some old keepsakes!
It was so amazing to spend a night with her! She is so young at heart and easy to talk to!
She took me to dinner at my absolute most favorite restaurant ever. They only have a few locations and they are all way out there so it was so great to talk and eat!
We talked about all sorts of stuff!!
Mostly love stories. Ha
After dinner, we just hung out in the living room for a bit and chatted some more. I headed out after a bit and enjoyed a nice shower…
I ha a friend play angel tonight too… So grateful for all the blessing that are being imparted.
My femoral artery is in a lot of pain tonight. And my heart is still reestablishing it’s beat and rhythm. It’s so odd but I am so grateful!
Anyways: the thought of today: the best way to someone’s heart, is to give them yours.
X0x0
Desirae
Month 6. Day 13.
Jun 14, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was the epidemy of a good day!
I went to work and had a pretty good day at work. It went by fast. After work, I drove out to Surprise and saw some friends play a show!
Oh my goodness! Best way to spend an afternoon. They are so much fun. I loved watching it!
I slept on the way home and that was much needed. I helped the boys unload equipment and then we went dancing!!!
I love dancing so much!
I was actually talking to someone about how dance relates to relationships. There is a dip that physically can’t be done. But because each person is doing their part and pulling their own weight it is possible. but If one person didn’t do their part, the move is impossible to do with the efforts of only one person.
I was also thinking about this a little bit before when I was just dancing and I realized that there are so many different ways to do one dance move, and it all depends on who your dance partner is. Sometimes, you don’t know how someone is going to lead you or when you think they are leading you one way, but they were going another. However, once you learn what their leads mean and you’ve danced with them a few times and you start to catch on, and get used to their dancing. And It’s always weird trying to dance with someone new because you are unsure of what they are trying to do or what they all know, etc. I think it’s the same in a relationship. Once you start to really get to know a person the “movements” become superfluous. You can just do them without thinking, you are used to their style of dancing. anyways, enough of that.
It was fun
I also think I discovered one of my favorite things in the world.. dancing with my eyes closed. I tried that again tonight and it was just as magical as the first time.
After dancing, we went to a restaurant next door called Monsterland. They were closed but let us in anyways to look around because it’s not just a restaurant, but a haunted house, and it was eery! But it was cool to look around. My roommates and I came home and watched “He’s just not that into you” I love that movie. I hate that movie too. It’s a love/hate relationship. I love it because it’s funny, I hate it because it’s true. haha Oh well.
I also enjoyed a tall, cold glass of chocolate milk. Yum!
Well the thought of today is actually: Don’t stop dreaming just because you wake up.
x0x0
Desirae
Month 6. Day 12.
Jun 13, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was quite a day! I was up all night (see previous blog post) so I was very exhausted, but I ran a ton of errands and went grocery shopping. My family came over to use my pool to practice their swimming, so I got to talk to my mom for a while and we had a pretty great conversation.
After a lot of errand running and cleaning, I relaxed by myself by the pool for a few minutes and listened to music. I then got ready for the night and a friend and I went over to my parents house to watch a movie. We watched Sherlock Holmes and that movie is seriously so stinking good! I love it! Today was the first day it was released on DVD and it was great! I haven’t seen it in a while but I love the metaphor of the chess game in it.
We had a great talk, my friend and I, and he filled my hug tank, once again
I just can’t even express how happy I am. Life is just so exciting, it’s seriously a movie. It’s everything that I need it to be.
Well, The thought of today: Our days would be happier if we gave people a little piece of our heart, rather than a piece of our mind.
x0x0x
Desirae
Month 6. Day 11.
Jun 12, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was a very emotional day. To say the Least. The Lord hit me with a ton of bricks today, and I am so scared.
But Faith is taking the first step when you can’t see the whole stair case.
All of the managers in our office had a district meeting in Scottsdale, So the other recruiting assistant and I had the entire office to ourselves. It was great! It felt like a rainy day in elementary school when you just don’t do anything and everything is so mellow.
We had a great heart to heart and I was actually very grateful for it. It was just a great day at the office… even though some parts were EXTREMELY boring and I was doing anything to keep myself busy.
After work, I ran some errands and did some serious contemplating and praying. It was so overwhelming. So I went over to a friends house and chilled there until Family home evening came around.
We did a picture scavenger hunt! It was a lot of fun! I love the statues on Main Street, they bring back to my childhood.
After FHE I came home and did some laundry and cleaned the kitchen and then talked to a friend for quite some time… and what I mean by that is until the morning light came out. We talked about so much… I absolutely loved every second of it.
I really needed it too. I don’t talk to people for hours on end like that with a whole lot of people.. like ever, so it felt good to be able to talk to someone about anything my heart desires! haha almost.
Anyways, It was a good night!
The thought of today is: If you fall, at least it means that you tried to fly. Try again.
x0x0x0x
Desirae
Month 6. Day 10.
Jun 11, 2012 Uncategorized
Exactly one month from now is my little brothers 17th birthday! Oh my goodness, they grow up fast.
Today was a great day. I woke up and got all dressed up for stake conference and went with my roommates. It was so great. I loved the speakers and the messages that they had delivered. They really were inspired to say the things that they did and I love that so much. I cannot stress the importance of following those promptings. You never know when someone is going to need you and the Lord may be preparing you right now to help that person. I hope we can all be worthy and ready to receive such impressions.
After stake conference, there was a linger longer of course. I ran into many old friends and talked to many people! I am grateful for my friends. I really do have so many who care about me and I just feel so blessed because of that. I really do have an amazing group of friends.
I came home and made tons of goodies and foods! Dinner was great and dessert was even better! We put Phantom Of the Opera in and we all fell asleep! I somehow made it to my bed and slept for about 4 hours.
I woke up to a phone call from a friend that I always love to hear from!!
I then got up and regrouped myself for the evenings events.
I went to a friends house for a little birthday celebration. She is adorable and her family is amazing. I love spending time over there.
I talked to a friend all night and I just love that.
I was thinking, and honestly, I am such a happy person. I am so blessed and lucky, how could I not be?
It just made me so happy to realize that I am so happy.
Isn’t that what so many people spend their lives searching for is happiness? Well guess what, world, I found it.
I have been having some interesting thoughts recently about a stepping stone in my life but over the last 2 days it has hit me very hard and been very impressionable during this stake conference. I have never given this particular subject a WHOLE lot of thought. However, it did cross my mind once when I was a freshman in high school walking through the visitors center.
I don’t know what’s more weird: the fact I remember that or the fact that the spirit is bringing it up again.
Either way, it caught me off guard.
I will stop there because I could go on forever but I need to do some serious praying and fasting.
The thought of today actually comes from something a friend said to me today:
You need to find something in your life that would be comparable to walking on water. And then do it. Accomplish it.
Now, that is a challenge! So go and do. Hahaha
Goodnight
Xoxoxoxoxo
Desirae
Month 6. Day 8.
Jun 10, 2012 Uncategorized
I wanted so badly to sleep in today. I woke up at 8am though. Oh well. I guess getting to sleep at all is a feat!
So Today I went for a swim this morning for some exercise… In this heat, that’s all I could bring myself to do.
A few friends went to the Farmer’s Market to get some fresh produce and some ingredients for the week. It was a fun adventure!
After the farmer’s market, I showered and got ready for the day and then prayed like crazy. I have been in quite the predicament and I have just been doing the best I can but Of course there was nothing I could really do except live life and trust in the Lord that things would work out. Well, Heavenly Father answered my prayer today and I was so overwhelmed with Love. I am so grateful for that.
I visited with my family for a short time but it was a good time. I sure do love them. I wish I could spend more time with them but I’ll take what I can get.
I had a date tonight! We went to a fireside about the new YSA stakes and then he took me dancing! We had the whole ballroom to ourselves. It was so much fun! I am so rusty though… I definitely need to do some more refreshing since it has sadly been a very long time since I have done so much dancing, but it was great!
I am now soaking my feet in a foot bath and enjoying my thoughts.
Thought of today: Kill em with Kindness. No matter what; Kill em with kindness.
x0x0x
Desirae
Month 6. Day 7.
Jun 9, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was a quick day at work. I met some great people who came in for interviews and hung out in my managers office and just talked for a while… It was great.
After work, I went to the local colleges practice rooms and messed around on piano a little bit. It was fun but I’m having such a hard time organizing my lyrics and the music…. This is where being a perfectionist is frustrating. I learned one of my favorite songs though, so I was happy about that.
I arrived home and showered and got ready for the night and then went to JesterZ with my roommate. It was a funny show!!! So glad I was able to go.
We went and got some food and talked for a while and it was great to get to know each other a bit more.
After that, we all went to a party but it was shut down right after we got there. It was a HUGE party. We stayed for a little bit and chatted and cleaned up a bit… But honestly… Why do some girls see the need to be so petty?
It’s driving me crazy that people feel ok treating others the way they do. It shocks me really. But what can ya do? Except make sure YOU treat others better than you have been treated because you know how it feels.
Well my new windshield is beautiful and I am so grateful for it!
I took the scenic route home and ended up in a tunnel. Honestly though, it’s what I needed.
Tonight had me a little down, and I was lucky enough to have a friend who put a smile in my face and let me forget the cares for a few moments.
I love it.
Well: the thought of today: sometimes the thing that you are most scared of, is what you need the most.
Xooooxoo
Des
Month 6. Day 7.
Jun 8, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was a great day! It was so relaxing! I went to work and had a great day, as always!
When I got home, I was relaxing in bed just laying there, thinking and I fell asleep! Usually, when I think like that I can’t sleep… It was great. I slept for 4 hours! I woke up and made spaghetti and garlic bread and my friend came over to watch a movie with me. We ate dinner together and then we watched Tangled. After the movie was over, we talked for a few hours and some other friends came over and we all just hung out.
I had an interesting epiphany last night…. But I’ll keep it to myself. It made me laugh though.
I also realized that we all need a little “me time’ sometimes. I am always so busy and just Go Go Go, but it was nice to just chill for a night.
Looking forward to the busy weekend though!
Anyways,
The thought of today: A glass can only spill what it contains.
x0x0x0
Desirae
Magic.
Jun 7, 2012 Uncategorized
Today was a magical day!
I went into work today, and had a great day! We have 4 interviews and a training class taking place so our office was hopping! It was fun to interact with everyone and make a few new friends.
I was working right on the other side of the wall that the training class was in. Well, I heard the district manager count to three and on 3, everyone yelled my name. It definitely made me smile as I walked into their room. I introduced myself and had fun talking to them for a bit and they all told me how awesome I was and My manager was praising me and telling them all what a good job I do, etc, and then presented me with another spa gift certificate. SO, I was a VERY happy camper. I got a mani/pedi and a leg and arm massage along with it today. It was great. I needed a little pampering.
After that, I came home and made dinner and cookies and stumbled upon a scorpion in my kitchen sink. I had a heart attack. I want to say I have never been more scared than I was when that happened, but I have definitely been more scared. It was just not a fun or pleasant experience.
That little fiasco caused me to forget about the cookies and they burnt. sad day.
Well, I got ready for the night and my friend came and we went to a JesterZ improv class show case! It definitely wasn’t as funny as a show, but we had some good laughs.
After the show, My friend and I went dancing!
That is where the title of the post comes in. The experience was magical. Maybe it had to do with the fact that everything about it was just perfect. We need to look for the perfection in the beauty of the moments around us! Like in that moment, I didn’t have a care in the world. What was even better, there were hundreds of those moments in a row. I danced any care away.
My favorite song came on at one point and I had my friend take me to the middle of the dance floor and I tried something that I have always wanted to try. I danced the entire song with my eyes closed. I just let my friend/dance partner for the night lead me and I just followed everything he did. It was so neat. It felt so beautiful. I could feel so much more. I think what made it so great is because when you lose one sense, the others heighten. So I felt every movement so much more. All the sounds around me just became blurred together. Every touch of guidance from my partner was so much more impressionable. It was just incredible. Honestly, It was breathtaking the way that it made me feel.
When I used to dance at EA, I would go into the studio in the middle of the night and keep all the lights off and just dance, it was a similar effect, but not nearly as magical as tonight was.
I continued to dance the night away for a bit longer and then went home with some friends. We hung around and talked for a bit.
I filled my hug tank very full last night! very grateful, and very happy
Just happy, happy, happy.
Thought of today: Life is great because of the people in it.
x0x0x0x0
Desirae
Month 6. Day 5.
Jun 6, 2012 Uncategorized
Today, today, today. Today was an exciting, eventful day. Let’s see, I woke up and got all dressed up for work in one of my suit dresses… So cute! and then had a killer day at work! I left mid way through to go to my cardiologist followup. Of course he was 2 hours behind, but when I finally got back, he told me my ECG was perfect. my heartbeat was normal again! He said that I am cured! He is such a cute little Chinese man and the way he said it was hilarious. I am just so grateful for that news!
After my appointment, I came back to work and had a bagel sandwich on my desk with a sweet note from my boss. That was wonderful. I got to meet a lot of cool people for interviews and it was just a good rest of the day at work! Best of all, It went by fast!
After work, I had asked some friends to give me a blessing and talked with them for a while. It was really great. I love hearing what Heavenly Father has to say to me through the priesthood and I just love witnessing how inspired these men are. I know that some of the things that he said, were not from him. I know that no one would ever know to say certain things to me. Heavenly Father knows me though and he knows what to say to me that will provide my soul with peace and knows how to communicate with me, better than any human does.
After the blessing, I went and met up with an old roommate and one of my best friends at Tia Rosas to talk. Boy, did we have a lot to talk about. I love her to death and hearing what she is going through just breaks my heart a million times over. But it was good for us to get together and I am so sure that it was good for her to talk about it because she has been holding it in.
After I finished my pomegranite blush (My favorite drink ever!) and she finished her fried ice cream, we were still talking and still had a lot to talk about and I had to go grocery shopping so I invited her to come with me. We went grocery shopping and then went and visited my mother. It was an adventure. I love Nicole! She is so great! I loved spending the afternoon with her.
After we got done grocery shopping, Maria and Granger came over and we all just goofed off a bit and then I had a “date” so they left.
My friend and I watched Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium…. which is only my most favorite movie ever! It makes me so happy! So it was great to watch it with him!
After the movie we talked a bit and before he left, we somehow ended up dancing in my driveway. It was magical. I love spontaneous things like that! haha
I had a blast. I am now inside watching the movie again until I fall asleep.
The thought of the day: In the end everything will be ok. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end. and oh how true that is.
Waiting room.
Jun 5, 2012 Uncategorized
I am currently sitting in the waiting room of my cardiologists office. He is running a little bit late.
I love the looks people give me when I walk in. I am obviously the youngest one by a long shot and everyone looks at me as if I clearly don’t belong. Oh, if they only knew how my heart was just as frail as theirs.
It’s so interesting to me how you could look at someone and not know that they are going through that. Looking at me, I’m sure people think I am healthy and don’t have a care on the world. No one in this waiting room knows that I had to give up some of the most important things to me because my heart wasn’t strong enough. None of them know that 2 months ago I ha to fight to stay conscious because I was always passing out. None of them know that i was being rushed by ambulance to the hospital and got my heart surgery the next day unexpectedly. No one knows how that was the scariest thing that I have ever had to face. You would never know any of that looking at me.
How grateful I am though that my heart is so much stronger now. It is definitely still taking some getting used to. I am still learning my new limits and playing with my heartbeat to see how far I can really go now.
I am so so so incredible grateful that I am able to dance now. I have missed dance so much. I am so grateful for its role in my life. When I am feeling every emotion under the moon and don’t know what to do with myself or how to understand it, dance puts everything in perspective. Dance is a language that helps me understand myself and the world around me.
I am so grateful that it’s back I’m my life. When I couldn’t dance, it was so hard. And so saddening.
I am so grateful for a normal heartbeat. So do grateful. And I cant express it enough.
I am sitting here in the waiting room and flashing back to all the years that this consumed my life and so grateful I only have to come back every 6 months.
No more tests, monitors, heart surgeries… Hopefully.
I am looking back at how big that trial was/is and grateful that it’s practically over. That journey was incredible but I am overwhelmed feeling so blessed that I am where I am now sitting in this waiting room this time.
Just my thought process today. I am overwhelmed with feeling right now.
Xoxo
Desirae
Month 6. Day 4.
Jun 5, 2012 Uncategorized
So I forgot to set my alarms this morning. So u woke up to a phone call from my dad because he was takin me to work this morning. So I got ready real quick and went down to the car and he had my favorite smoothie waiting for me! I worked and had a good day at work and left a bit early to pick up some friends from the airport!
It was a surprise, because they thought their brother was picking them up. It was a blast! It was so good to see them again.
I took a little nap and then went to family home evening and played volleyball at the park! It was a blast! I got to see my friends and hang out a bit and talk, which is always great.
I got home and made some chicken fettuccini Alfredo and garlic bread… Yum yum yum. We put in a movie and watched it together as roommates. I love it!
Well, the thought of today is: when the catipillar thought it was the end of the world, it became a butterfly.
As long as we learn from trials and struggles and let them make us stronger we will turn into something greater than we were before.
Xoxo
Desirae
Month 6. Day 3.
Jun 4, 2012 Uncategorized
You know that feeling where someone tells you something that only makes you want to cry? Their words just twist a dagger through your heart and you can’t seem to speak because your throat swells so much. And at that point, all you want to do is curl up in bed in your favorite Chicago Bears sweatshirt that you took from your brothers closet and eat your entire chocolate stash that’s in your bedside middle drawer. However, because the universe likes to torture us, you have to stay present in the situation, you have to continue listening to what they have to say, and act completely like you are totally ok and what they are saying has no effect on you whatsoever.
Story of my day.
Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss. I hate finding something out that puts my stomach into knots like this.
It’s so interesting how one thing can change the entire way you think about something, and changes your mind completely about something you thought you would never change your mind about. I hate that I am feeling like this right now. I could have gone my entire life with out hearing that and you could have gone your entire life with out telling me that and we would be just fine.
I don’t understand why some people feel the need to say things that they know 1. is not important in any way to that person’s life and 2, you’re only saying it to make them feel less about themselves.
I hate that so many people have these hidden motives. Why do you become friends with someone? The way it should be is because you enjoy spending time with them and you get along with them and you can be yourself around someone. Unfortunately, everyone seems to have alternative motives behind everything. Finding out that a friend you started to trust has these alternative motives and has only wanted to bring you down is quite disheartening. Just goes back to prove that you can NEVER know a person well enough.
Wow, well I got off in a tangent. I am just so sad right now. I hate having to pretend like you’re ok when someone says something that is clearly meant to hurt you. I am not a crier, at all. I don’t really cry. I am a rock. But The worst feeling is needing to cry and not being able to because of the scenario you are in and you are forced to keep holding it in.
ANYWAYS, other than that, my day has been super fantastic. I woke up in the BEST mood, in choir we got a new piece that is so beautiful and one of my favorite hymns, church was great, and after church I got set apart. That blessing was amazing and inspired. I totally love the spirit! I love that the Lord knows me personally and knows what I need. I really needed to hear what was said in that blessing. It brought me so much peace.
I am going to a friends birthday party tonight, it should be a lot of fun.
Sometimes, I wish I didn’t care so much about things… It would make life a lot easier in times like these. But then again, I know my life wouldn’t be nearly as beautiful as it is now because I care.
Things will all be ok, I know that. That experience with my friend was just lame and kind of bummed me out but I am grateful for all of the amazing friends that I have and how many people really do love and support me. I am really blessed in that way… well in a lot of ways, but definitely in that one for sure!
The thought of today: Expectations are premeditated resentments. Think about it.
x0x0x0x0x
Desirae
Month 6. Day 2.
Jun 4, 2012 Uncategorized
Today I arise with the sun to go to the lake with a bunch of friends! We took a boat and some tubes and had a blast just chilling and talking on the dock, cliff jumping, tubing, swimming, and then laying out on the beach and talking and tanning of course.
It was great!
After the lake, I took a nap and was so tired that I could have slept straight til Sunday morning but luckily my roommate woke me up in time for work. I went in and had an interesting night.
By the time the night was ending, I felt good about how it ended but it was a roller coaster. I think I was just so exhausted that I feel like my brain didn’t know what to do with the emotions I was feeling so I had a little mental break down. But I turned around. I made it something to make me stronger and I made it something to push me harder to get a better outcome and I feel like I accomplished that.
After work, a group of friends went hot tubing and just relaxed for a bit and then I can home.
A friend made me the happiest girl in the world.
The end.
The thought of today: in Chinese they use two brush strokes to write crisis: one brush stoke means opportunity and the other means danger. So in a crisis, be aware of the danger, but recognize the opportunity.
Xoxox
Des