I feel defeated. I feel lost. I feel inadequate. It’s in these moments where I want to call my best friend and just cry on their shoulder. However, If your best friend all of a sudden becomes a stranger to you, all you have left to do is a say a silent prayer in your heart that someone will pick up the phone and want to talk to you. It’s in those moments, that these feelings increase. Because If my “friend” wanted to talk to me, they’d call. If they miss me, they’d call. If they wanted to know how I was doing, they’d ask. Which brings me back to a sore reality that I am just not good enough. Knowing that you would give anything for someone but someone can’t do that for you because you can’t squeeze through the cracks of their heart enough to soften it is a tough pill to swallow. You’re left wondering, what’s wrong with me? what am I doing wrong? Clearly, all that I am is not good enough, or even enough, so I must try harder, I must change. I must not be likable.
This is sad.
All i want is a hug right now. I want a man that I love and loves me to hold me and just tell me that things are going to be ok. Is that so much to ask? Watching men I love walk away from me and almost instantaneously me not mean a thing to them anymore is becoming too hard a task. I just need to be loved. Is that so much to ask? Loved. Am I that hard to love…?
I just need to meet Mr. Right and convince him that I’m Mrs. Right.

My heart hasn’t quite experienced this much grief before. I am overwhelmed beyond anything that I can possible relay to those reading this right now. I just hope that I can do this with my sanity.
I know the things that make me happy and I am practicing them… I am just extremely saddened at this moment.

I do not write these things for attention or pity. I write for me. Because I need to express how I am feeling creatively. Because sometimes, this is all I know how to do.

I just feel pathetic for feeling this way too, and maybe it’s a bit humbling and definitely vulnerable to share these imperfect feelings with an audience.

anyways,
xoxoxoxo
Desirae

I have been evaluating (more like analyzing) my recent break up. I really loved the guy. I really could have been happy with him my entire life and onto forever. I adored every little thing about him, even the silly things. (like every time I put my hand on his forearm, he would flex, I thought it was the most adorable thing) So why didn’t we work out? Why aren’t we just working through whatever dilemma we had instead of letting it destroy us and make us believe that we could find someone better. Because that’s what a break up is, isn’t it? Knowing that there is someone more suitable for you out there. If you didn’t believe there was someone better for you why wouldn’t you keep fighting for the one you’re with?
Now, I’m not saying that there isn’t someone out there for me. I was taught once that any two people striving to the gospel can be happy together. And as much as I see that proven wrong, I am believer. There’s going to be a lot of hurt in this process. Because the only conclusion i can come to as to why we wouldn’t just work through this is because he did believe that there is someone else out there he would like or even love more. Which is the part that hurts. I would have put my heart through hell and back (and i feel I practically did) to make our relationship work. However, I do have dignity and now that the decision is made it’s made and it’s time to move on with life. And I will. I am already. It’s just hurtful to know that I wasn’t enough for him. I know that the issues we had could have worked out. I had been in a serious relationship before where he had to travel a lot for work, but he sent flowers and postcards and told me how much he missed me every day. Traveling wasn’t the issue, it was feeling like I was missed, or knowing that I was loved. My last relationship didn’t fall apart because of irreconcilable differences or cheating or anything like that, it’s just that one ofus didn’t care enough. That person didn’t express love enough and a person can only take that for so long. I don’t think that’s something that only I won’t be able to handle though, I think anyone consistently needs to be told that they are loved and missed or wanted. Even the prophets guide us to tell our loved ones those very things.
Truth be told, I will probably never see this man again or have another conversation with him. Unless he calls, which I will pick up, but he won’t. And I feel like I was on the receiving end of the break up, as much as we lie and say it was mutual.

These are just random tangents. I just know that I am picky dater, because I know how I want my life to be. I know how my marriage will work and it won’t work for a lot of guys. The kind of guy I need is far and wide in between. But i know i better meet him soon before I lose my mind. Because I need to get married. I have never felt more of an urgency than I do now. Funny that it happens once I’m single…. Maybe the guy I was dating is lucky that he isn’t with me know that I have this desire.. l
But maybe I just need someone to restore my faith in love. I know if i Marry someone, we will be so madly, deeply, head over heals in love with other that I won’t ever not believe in love. I just can’t wait for that to happen.

Well off to a Bon fire to see if MR. Right is there.
xoxoxox
Desirae

Is it too much to ask? Is a goodnight kiss and good morning “I love you” too demanding? The world has made it seem so. But I just want that. I’m sick of dating. I just want to be married.

Thought of the day: trying to find someone when you’re lonely is like going to the grocery store when you’re hungry. Everything looks good but nothing is satisfying.

Xoxo

Last night was a really rough night with these thoughts. So rough that all the pain I tried to hide showed in the mascara lines that resulted from all the crying those feelings provoked. However, after a night’s rest (that seemed much too short if you ask me) I was able to think a tad more clearer and realized, those things don’t matter. Those feelings are so silly. Because honestly, I love the people who treat me right and forget about the ones who don’t. Life is too short. When I’m laying on my death bed it’s not going to matter how early I got into my program or how much money I made. I’ll tell you what is going to matter though, my friends and family knowing how much I loved them. I want to live to make sure that I am touching lives around me with everything I do, just by being me and just by living my mediocre life. I want the speakers at my funeral to tell hilarious stories about me in the hospital or how I was always the one they could call and not have to worry about me needing something in return.
so Honestly, if I can be a good friend and just make sure that I am kind to all those that I associate with, life will be just fine. I just need to remember this when I feel like I did last night, again.

I know things will always be hard. If it’s not one thing, it will be another. We just need to remember what is most important to us and make sure those are the things that we take care of.
The things that are closest to my heart are my family, my friends (my true friends), service, the Gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and being kind to all.
As long as those things are in place, I know I will be ok. as hard as things are.

xoxoxoxox
Do your best in all your take the time to do.
Desirae

Well, I have had a much welcomed break from my heart monitor. It broke somehow on Sunday and it’s taking a few days for the new one to come. I don’t think anyone quite understands how much Of an inconvenience that thing was!
People empathize with me and I appreciate that, but no one truly gets how hard this is for me.
When waiting rooms and the back of ambulances become so familiar and routine to a 20 year old girl, that’s not normal. I shouldn’t know these things. I shouldn’t have this much experience.
However, I am grateful for all of the experience that I do have because of it. I have learned so much from having this heart condition. As much as a trial it is, it has also been a part of my biggest blessings.
Wearing that monitor was so frustrating. Loud beeping, follow up calls. I am the one that hides my pain. I don’t like everyone around me knowing every time I have a symptom. A heart condition is usually easier to hide. Unless you have a monitor no one knows what’s going on inside your chest. The monitor makes it impossible to hide.
The electrodes leaving rashes, cuts and sores on my skin isnt even just frustrating. It’s not even that anymore, it’s just heartbreaking to me. It’s disheartening.
Trying to sleep with it… Having all these wires getting tangled in everything, a machine beeping, phone calls at 4am. It’s definitely not my favorite thing. The hard part about that part is that it’s the part behind closed doors. It’s the part that no one sees or really even knows about. It makes it that much more real for me. I think that’s what makes it even harder a pill to swallow. This ailment doesn’t stop because I’m sleeping. I can’t ever just turn it off. It’s haunting me every hour of the day. Every hour. With no exaggeration.

And I miss dancing. I miss dancing so much. I miss feeling like I’m in shape. I just hate how hard my heart works when I’m just sitting here. It feels like I ran a marathon. It’s really uncomfortable too.
People just don’t get it.
I come off really strong and that I’m ok with this and I’m not crying inside.
People just don’t see all I’ve had to sacrifice an they think that it’s no big deal. It’s just another thing to get through. Which it is, but Its not something that when it goes away its just done.
This has been a hurricane in my life and nothing has been untouched by it.

I guess that’s where I’m at right now. My heart yearns for things that it physically and emotionally can’t have and that’s the greatest pain of all. It’s something that I have no control over.

All I know is that I am not given anything I can’t handle. So I’m trying my hardest to handle it with all the grace in the world.

My heart is just grieving. It’s reaching with no success and I don’t know what to do with this feeling.

I have learned several lessons in the not so distant past and am only continuing to learn more. I hope I am taking from them all that I need to be.

In some situations, I have absolutely no idea what to do. All I know to do is treat others the way I want to be treated and rely so heavily on the Lord. I know that he has felt everything that I have and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. I know that I am never alone. There is also someone who understands. Because sometimes, the biggest trial I face is “No one can possibly understand this” (especially when it comes to my heart condition and all the tests and monitors and passing out, losing consciousness, etc.) I can find complete comfort in the fact that Christ does understand. He is by my side every step of the way.
Life can get really overwhelming sometimes. There is so much trivial things we must give attention to to live in this world healthily. However, I think we get so caught up in those things that we lose sight of what’s really important. We need to live for Christ. To please him, not ourselves, not our peers, or overseers. To Please our Father in Heaven. If we are doing all that we can to make him happy, then we will be happy. The people that don’t want that kind of lifestyle will live their own and unfortunately fall short of superior happiness.

Basically, just go back to basics. Everything else will fall into place.