Desirae Amanda

Month 5. Day 30.

May 31, 2012 Uncategorized

Oh, Today. Today started oh so beautifully. I woke up just so happy after a great night’s rest. I had a sit down breakfast and just felt great. I went to work and worked through my morning routine and talked to some pretty cool people!
When my assistant got into the office, My co-worker took over in my office to supervise him and I went and took the lone office. I got a lot accomplished and I got to meet everyone as they came into training. After the training class started they all decided they wanted to get to know me so all 50 of them yelled my name from the training room at the same time to call me in. It was pretty cool. I got to go in and talk to them and introduce myself. It was pretty cool! This job is so chill, I love it.

After work, I went to Buckle because I had a personal shopping appointment with a friend so that was fun! Sold a couple of really good looking shirts! It was good practice for me too. I caught up with my friend for like an hour cuz we haven’t seen each other in like 4 years…. crazy!
After I got home from that, Another friend was at the house with my roommate so I talked to them for a while, and then took a short nap. I have been so exhausted… So I took a little nap and then got up and ready to go teach dance.

I went and taught the dance class and then danced for a little while. My friend, Samantha, came and we danced for a little while and then went back to my place to make some food. We made pizza and cookies and ate it and talked in the kitchen for a couple hours. I am so excited for her to move in!!
My feet were so sore from a lot but mostly dancing all night and she was SO sweet and gave me a legit foot massage with lotion and it felt heavenly. That has got to be one of my favorite things to relax. I need more pedicures!!

It was a great and action packed day. Running from one place to another.

Thought of the day: The secret to life is enjoying the passage of time. Think about it.

x0x0x
Desirae

Stop a moment.

May 30, 2012 Uncategorized

So I was just thinking… And I had some interesting thoughts. I just felt like expressing them. This is just a thought process.

So I have had a really hard time sleeping, what’s new? But I have been so emotionally exhausted and that’s the worst kind of exhaustion, I think. So naturally, I wanted to sleep. Well, Lucky for me, I have a great friend that wanted me to sleep too and helped me accomplish that.

Today has been a roller coaster. I woke up in THE best mood ever, completely rested and ready to face the day. I then found out some distressing information and it really bummed me out. I continued to get ready for my day and just did my best to trudge through. I had a decent day at work today… I actually went grocery shopping before hand and got myself some snacks because it was a veg-out kind of day. So I got to work and ended up just talking to my manager for like an hour about life and everything that was bothering me and she was so sweet and we just talked about all that we really do have to be thankful for and how important it is to just step back and gain some perspective on what really matters. It made things seem not so bad, because they aren’t, but I was still just bummed. Kind of just felt melancholy the whole day. My new assistant is really a trial of patience too!
I love how the Lord works though. If we pray for strength, or peace, or patience or anything else He isn’t going to just give us those gifts. He is going to give us an opportunity to gain them ourselves, often times in form of a trial. I didn’t pray for patience, but apparently I need more of it because this is it.
After work, I took my tubes and yard lights back to the parents house because they let me take them last night for a memorial day kick back that we had. I talked to my mom for a few hours and it was really great. I love that woman.

I got home and ran a few errands and worked on some stuff for church. My family then came over to use my pool so I made them all some hamburgers and hung out with them for a while.
I then just watched a movie to kind of just unwind and relax and enjoy the music and symbolism in it.

As I was laying in bed about to fall asleep, my roommate came in. She kind of had an idea that I was having a really rough time and she had gotten me a giant chocolate bar with a really sweet card. We talked for a few hours in my bed. It was great. After she left, I got a HUGE text/letter from a friend telling me what a blessing I have been in her life and how I have no idea the ways that I have affected her. That made me so happy. My mission statement in life is to make a positive impact on the lives of those around me. If I can make someone else’s load lighter, then I have done good in the world and I can feel accomplished. That text made me realize that again and put things into an even broader perspective.
I watched the Lord’s hand guide absolutely everything today and I could not be more grateful. I always love it when I am used as an instrument in his hands, but to see others being used as instruments to help me is so overwhelming. Of course I know that Heavenly Father knows me and loves me and blesses me but with reassurance like that, you can’t help but be filling with the spirit of gratitude. I am also so grateful that the people I needed to come through in my life today were being receptive to the spirit and followed it’s promptings. I can’t stress it enough how important that it is to follow those because you never know what someone is going through or what you would be doing for them by following a simple prompt. But Heavenly Father does know and he knows what that person needs and how it’s going help them. I am just so overwhelmed with his love today.
I am also so grateful for the gifts that I have. To be able to let the Lord take over and know that things will work out. It’s been proved in my life time and time again. I am so grateful of the perspective I have gained through the years that has helped me get through some sticky and rough situations because of the way I was able to look at. We really just need to decide what’s really important to us. Like the 5 things that you NEED in your life. And make sure that you always have those things.
My 5 things would be My faith in the Gospel, Helping others carry a burden, being physically able, Food on the table, and a Roof over my head.
So really, If all those things are being met, then it doesn’t matter what else happens.
I couldn’t be more grateful for a healthy heart since I haven’t always had one. It doesn’t matter what trial I am facing or what storms blow my way because at the end of the day I can sit at my kitchen table and eat a nice home cooked meal. I can climb in my bed and sleep (or even just lay there) and be safe and warm. I have people that love and care about me and I love and care about people too. I have real relationships with people that have quality and meaning to it. Things are great.
Sometimes all we need to do is step back and look at what really matters.

today was a trial of faith, but what it all comes down to is you trying your best to get the best outcome, and then leaving it in the hands of the Lord. And not just stopping there, but trusting that it will work out the way it is supposed to.

Thought of today: If everything is going wrong and it’s been a really hard day, if you can learn and grow from it or it strengthens your testimony, then it was a good day. If you can wake up the next day a stronger person, how could you say that you had a bad day?
So here’s to waking up stronger.
x0x0x0
Desirae

Memorial Day.

May 28, 2012 Uncategorized

So, We all know what this post is going to be about. These holidays are always so hard for the family. And it’s the kind of pain that no one can understand unless they’ve gone through it. Learning that a family member was killed over seas is so surreal. You can imagine all you want but until you receive that Navy Flag with a single Gold star to hang in your window, you have no idea what that news will do to you or the people around you.

I was a Senior in high school. It was March 12. The Friday that kicked off Spring Break! School had been crazy, I was in honors classes, I was heavily involved in student council, drama/plays, speech and debate, and what felt like a million other things too. I was so stressed out over midterms and trying to keep up with everything that when spring break came, I was going to live it up. Me and my girl friends had a whole weekend planned and we were just going to enjoy life, forget about all that stress, and just have a great time creating some memories. Well, a memory was definitely created, but not one that I like remembering.
We had just finished a concert at Toby Keith’s and were heading to Mill Ave to do some shopping. My parents knew how hard I had been working previously and how stressed and hectic things got. They knew I was planning on spending the night at a friends house and I would just be home when I would be home. My mom was most understanding of this, She knew that I needed time to go out and have fun she was encouraging me to let loose a little. That’s why I was somewhat confused when my phone was blowing up with her number. I didn’t answer because the radio was too loud and I didn’t hear it ringing so she called a friend that I was with.
Her voice sounded urgent, asking me to come home. I definitely put up a fight, I NEEDED that time out and she would not give me a good reason to come home over the phone, she just said I needed to come home. Well, she asked to talk to my friend again and she told my friend why I needed to be home so despite my protests, my friend drove me home.

I got home and things were not right. I couldn’t think of what I did, but I thought I was in some serious trouble. My mom wouldn’t let me walk past the front room. I could hear my dad in the dining room talking solemnly on the phone. My Mom had a glazed look in her eye. Panic was most certainly in the room. I was so confused. I had no idea what was happening. My dad finished his phone call and then made his way into the living room. He was crying. He said the only 3 words that he could muster before he was too choked up to even speak. Those three words will forever be engraved into my memory, “Your Uncle jake….” That’s all he had to say. I knew immediately what the news was. I knew the crisis that we had just had handed to us. I knew that my Uncle was in Afghanistan. I knew that that phone call and military service man showing up to my Grandmother’s door only meant one thing. It meant Jake had fought his last battle.

The whole next week was such a blurr, but I rememeber it so vividly. I remember my dad and cousin putting our flag pole up in the yard and flying it at half mast, I remember countless news reporters and newspaper writers calling and asking for interviews with the family, for a Life story of Jake. I remember the Afghani’s posted an article that was celebrating that death and making a mockery of it. I remember Standing on the turf on Luke Air Force Base to receive his body. And I remember that being the most heart wrenching thing that I have ever experienced. We had so many friends and family that were there to offer love and support, but mostly everybody had to wait off to the side. Only about 10 of us were allowed on the turf. Also standing on the turf, behind us, was every soldier on base at attention. When the plan landed, it felt as if hearts had stopped, but when they opened the doors and we saw the Coffin come out covered in the Red, White, and Blue Stripes it’s as if cats were ripping at our insides. That’s when it set in. That’s when it became so much more real and all you could hear through the reverence of the little ceremony was our cries and our tears hitting the ground. I remember the Freedom riders that stood outside the viewing and funeral ceremony to prevent protesters from disturbing the peace and disrespecting my uncle’s sacrifice.
I remember the funeral. I remember the folded up flags that were handed to my Grandma and Aunt. I remember the gun shots that continue to ring in our ears.

Every Patriotic holiday I dedicate a post to my Uncle. It’s not something that we talk about everyday, but it’s a pain that is always there, but seems to be so much more apparent and heart wrenching at times like today. I am really heartbroken today. That experience was so emotionally taxing on everyone in the family. We are still coping with the loss but we could not be prouder of SFC Glen Jacob Whetten. He provided the ultamite sacrifice so we could have and keep the freedoms that we do and make sure that we can sleep in peace. Freedom is not free.

All Gave some….. Some Gave All.

x0x0

Month 5. Day 27.

May 28, 2012 Uncategorized

Today was a crazy day. I made cinnamon rolls and that was yummy and some cookies, that was yummy too! I talked with my roommates for a while and got ready for church. I went to Choir today and then took care of some business. Church was really great. I loved it. I ran to parents house in between sacrament and relief society to run something over real quick and it was nice to see them for the 5 seconds that I saw them.
I made it back to relief society to be called out for a meeting? That was fun though and the lesson in Relief Society (I made it back to hear the majority of it after my meeting) was fantastic. I loved it. It was about where we can turn for Peace. It really got me thinking, because I know where I go, but I just wanted to think deeper. But I realized that I go to music. When we were little, my dad did an FHE where we talked about the power of music. We listened to several songs and hyms and children’s songs, and then he gave us a challenge to choose our favorite one.
I chose my favorite song, and then he told us that whenever we were scared or sad or angry, or going through something really difficult, to sing that song to ourselves.
To this day, I will still sing that song to myself whenever I am scared, lost, confused, hurt, anything. And it helps me feel peace. I am so grateful for that and that my dad several years ago gave us that lesson because music was something that was important to him and he knew it was important to us, and we turned it into a haven. Music really is so powerful.

After Church, I practiced the piano a bit and then called my cousin. It was so great talking to her. We both really needed to talk to each other and did so for a good couple hours until I had to go to a fireside.
The fireside was great! We socialized a lot afterwards and I just want to say how grateful I am for my friends. I really have the best support group.

After the fireside, I needed some cheering up so I called a friend that I know can make me smile and we talked for a couple hours too. I really needed that.

Random tangent: Sometimes I just feel this weird feeling where all I need is a hug. Grateful for my family and friends that are always so willing to fill my hug tank.

Thought of today: There’s more to being a peace maker than just not fighting.

x0x0x0
Desirae

Month 5. Day 26.

May 27, 2012 Uncategorized

So last night I had to take a pain pill because I was in such pain… It was a strong pill and knocked me out. I slept most of today. Til about 1. Then I laid out by the pool and went swimming with my roommate. We then made breakfast for dinner and some cookies.
Theeeeen, I got ready and all dolled up for my shift at buckle.
Work was great tonight. It was only one other guy and myself running the store, so it was a blast. We switched sides though and he ran girls and I ran guys so we could get more familiar with the product. We got slow a couple times so we picked out clothes for each other to try on so we could see how they fit. It was fun!
After work, I watched Tarzan with my roommates and ate popcorn and cookies.

I don’t know why, but today was a discouraging day. Not discouraging but I just felt weak. It was an odd feeling. I’m not liking these new feelings. Sometimes it’s great that I am so sensitive to feelings.. Sometimes, I could do without. Too bad there isn’t an off and on switch.
I am excited for a new week.
Memorial day is Monday…. So you know what post that’s going to be. My heart ties into knots even thinking about it as much as I have..

Well the thought of today: a ship is safe in the harbor.. But that’s not what ships are for.

Xoxox
Desirae

Month 5. Day 25.

May 26, 2012 Uncategorized

Today was such a great day!
I woke up and got all dressed up. When I got to work, there was music completely blasting through the office. I traced the source to the conference room and found balloons all over the floor, streamers being hung up and people just hanging out. So I helped decorate the office. Today was an “office” kinda day at the office.
I took a half day and then went to pick my aunt up from my place. We went to golfland so she could say goodbye to my brother one more time. We then went to “whataburger” (my uncles favorite fast food joint) and went to his grave site and had lunch with him. After a few hours we took my aunt to the airport and said our last goodbye’s.
I then came home and got ready for a night at the buckle. It was so great! I had a friend that came in getting some clothes for a trip and I got to shop for her! It was good practice for me too and it was so much fun.
I made several sales last night. And I was so pumped about the hybrids! We have these shorts for guys that double as a bathing suit and dry in 10 seconds and become shorts again. I think they are awesome! That was just one of the sales I made. After work I came home and we had some friends over and we decided that we were going to take a midnight swim. So we jumped in the pool and goofed off a bit! Then we came in and had a movie night… Naturally, I fell asleep during the movie.
But it was a great day and I really enjoyed it.
The thought of today: when life gives you lemons, make grape juice and let the whole world wonder how you did it.

Xoxoxo
Desirae

Month 5. Day 24.

May 25, 2012 Uncategorized

With how many activities we are cramming into each day, it makes each day feel like 3. I am totally loving this time with my family though! Especially my Aunt Megan.

Today we got ready together and then she went out to lunch with some of my cousins and I had my mom take me to a Doctor’s appointment to find out if I need another surgery… I need one more test to decipher it so Hopefully I will know soon… I am hoping that I don’t because I don’t like recovering, I’m the kind of person that jumps up and starts pushing limits and boundaries again. And with those surgeries,… You can’t do that. So We will see. It was nice to have my mom there again. I like the support and she likes hearing all the medical terms. So it works.

After my Doctor’s appointment, I made muffins and then laid by the pool. I also took a walk to my mailbox and had a letter… It wasn’t just any letter though. It was a letter from “him” Him who makes me smile and does so oh so often. It was a beautiful letter and I am glad it came when it did.
I had been waiting for it all week so of course Monday I was wanting it to be there but I am glad it wasn’t because everything that was in the letter is what I needed today, not what I needed Monday Or Tuesday Or Wednesday. I love how things work out like that!

I continued to lay out and clean the pool for another little while until an old friend called and said he was in the neighborhood so he came over and needed to talk for just a bit so we talked and then he left and I got ready for my Spa appointment.
Oh my goodness. 3 hours of being completely waited on hand and foot… It was amazing. make that Amazing with a capital “A”. I got a mani/pedi and a massage. My nails are so cute and my hands are so soft and I am so relaxed.

After the Spa, I came back to my place and my Aunt and I got ready for my brother’s graduation. We went to the ceremony and of course everyone that has ever stepped foot into Heritage was there. Some of that is great and some of that is not so great. But I heard one of the best graduation speeches that I have ever heard and I am so proud of my baby brother.

We all went to Nielson’s afterwards and ate and talked and joked around and just enjoyed each others company. My aunt and I came back home and here I am. We will probably talk all night again and Tomorrow we have one last adventure until she leaves. I have a couple personal shopping appointments set up for tomorrow and Saturday so I am excited!

Well the thought of today is that there is silver lining in everything… Even having a heart condition ;p

Xoxoxoxoxo
A very exhausted Desirae.

Month 5. Day 23.

May 24, 2012 Uncategorized

I am so tired today! These days are so filled with excitement.
So I worked today and had to seriously multitask, which I am a pro at, it was just so crazy! I had to plan out the night because there were some conflicts of time and interest with graduation and dinner and other obligations. I did all that at work while tackling my work load.
It made the morning go by very quickly.
My district manager called me back to her office again today, I hate it when she does that. Because human nature always thinks you did something wrong. I know I am doing great at my job so I’m racking my brain of what it could be, but of course it was to look at my stats and show me what the expected numbers were. Well My numbers were through the roof, the whole team of managers were so impressed. I love it! I am love succeeding! They gave me a gift certificate to a spa down the street and they are letting me go tomorrow during the work day to be treated like a princess.

After work, I came home and showered at the speed of light. got ready just as fast and went to pick up my aunt from the State capitol. While I was at work, she went to her sweetheart’s grave site. We opened a scholarship fund in my uncle’s name and she met up for lunch with one of the recipients of it. Then they all went to the state capitol to see the memorial that they built in his honor. So I picked her up from my grandma at that point and we went and got graduation cards and looked around for some books for her flight home. After shopping for a bit, we went back to my place so she could get ready for my cousins graduation, and My roommate and I fed the missionaries. (I also had to spend all morning finding a priesthood holder who was free to come over because the guys we had had an emergency come up) So we fed the missionaries and talked for a bit and then they shared a message with us. It was fun!

After they left, we cleaned up and then my grandma came and got my aunt for my cousin’s graduation and I talked with my roommates for a bit. We are planning a tubing trip on memorial day! woo!

I have a doctors appointment first thing tomorrow morning… but then I get to go the spa!

Tonight I was asked to teach a dance class again so I am going to go do that for a bit until the graduation finishes up and I go get my aunt. I am excited to dance. I need to dance right now. If there was any night that was perfect for dancing it is tonight. I have always said that music speaks when words fail, but when you dance to music it conveys how you are interpreting that song and the emotion that you feel when you listen to it.
I also believe sometimes that we can become so emotionally exhausted, but right before that point all those emotions are just piling up and the most liberating way to release those for me is to dance. To let my body just release every emotion it is feeling. I am so grateful I am able to dance again. 2 years ago I thought it was something that would be taken away from me my entire life. I am so incredible grateful that it is still in my life. Even if it’s as small as only being able to dance once a week and I’m not on college dance team anymore and doing competitions, I will take what I can get. I missed it so so so so so SO much. That was so not enough “So’s”

After we both get home tonight, My aunt and I will probably stay up talking all night again.

The thought of today: People will forget what you did, they will forget what you said but they will never forget how you made them feel.

I made a very simple 11:11 wish tonight. If it doesn’t come true I might lose hope in all 11:11 wishes. hahahe we’ll see
x0x0x0x0x
Desirae

Month 5. Day 22.

May 23, 2012 Uncategorized

When I predicted this week would contain little sleep, I was right.
So today I went to work and my aunt went to lunch with another aunt and her kids and hung out with them and went shopping until I got off. Work was so busy today! It was so random! I actually had an old friend from high school come in for an interview and it was so great to run into her! Also, I talked with an applicant over the phone and it was another student that was down for the summer from BYU and so I asked if she was LDS and she was so we just talked for like half an hour and we found out that we had so much in common. It was great when she actually came in and I was able to meet her! I love that part of my job!
Once I was off; my aunt, grandma, 2 brothers, and mom and dad and I went to the movies to see
The Avengers. That is such an incredible movie!!! I can’t wait for it to hit dollar theatres so I can go again!
After the movie, we all went to Red Robin (yummm) for dinner! We had a blast joking around, telling stories and quoting the movie.

After dinner, my aunt, my little brother and myself went to golfland and played tons of games in the arcade. Let me just say I am a master at fruit ninja. I got over 600 tickets. I’m a beast. After our fun in the arcade, we went mini golfing. I am not very good at mini golfing. It’s quite embarrassing actually. But we enjoyed each others company so it was great. We dropped my brother off and then came back to my place where we continued to have a heart to heart til 3 am. But we both needed it. I haven’t seen her in a year and with everything that our family has been through there was a lot to talk about and it was nice to just relate to each other. She is one of the strongest people I know. I admire her so much. She has such grace and poise in such distraught situations, it’s amazing. I really do aspire to have her strength and confidence.
She is also one of the best kinds of friends. The kind that gets a long with everyone and is always lending an ear or hand and caring more about others than herself. She really is one of the most caring people I know.
I also got to hear a few more stories about my uncle that I hadn’t heard and they were great! My uncle was a great person too…

Anyways, the thought of today: in the end, do what’s best for you. Because those who truly care about, love and support you will continue to care about, love and support you.

My eyelids are so incredible heavy tonight… I am so exhausted.
x0x0x0
Desirae

Month 5. Day 21.

May 22, 2012 Uncategorized

Today I woke up in a very domestic mood, I suppose you can call it. I made french toast and sausage for me and some roommates and we enjoyed breakfast together. I got super dressed up for work today. I wore my favorite “Little Black Dress” (it’s not really little, but it doesn’t have the same ring just saying “black dress”)
I totally dressed it up even more with blue heels (rather than black) with blue, black and silver jewelry.
Probably way to in detail for anyone reading (mom ) but now that I get paid to notice that kind of stuff, I notice it and of course it always feels great to dress up and look nice!
I was a rockstar at work today, naturally. I knocked out everything I needed to do in the first hour of my day and then spent a couple hours on the phone with my mom. I then had a meeting in the middle of the day to find out that I am on the nationwide newsletter like a million times, ok it was really only 5, but that I even made it on there once is a huge accomplishment. This job is so easy for me, it’s like breathing, how can you not succeed??

After the meeting, I called another friend that I enjoy talking to and talked to him for a few more hours til my shift ended and then I left We continued our conversation on my cell phone and it was just great talking to him. I don’t know why but I think I tell him way more than he wants to know! I just don’t feel so “open” with that many people so when I do, it’s like a waterfall of openness.

I put “open” in quotations because I’m open with anyone and everyone, if anyone wants to know anything about me, I’ll tell them, but I don’t like share my thoughts or the feelings behind thoughts or random things that happened in my day with just anyone. there’s like 3 people maybe 4. So the circle is small.

But It was great to talk to him. After that conversation, I sat at the piano for a while and messed with some lyrics to this melody I have… I can’t quite get it… There is so many ways I want to go and I just can’t seem to get enough inspiration to follow a particular one yet. It’s driving me crazy. I have so many ideas but I really like the piano tune I have, so I have to equally like the lyrics. It’s starting to move along though.. Progression not perfection.

I visited with my mom and siblings tonight, with a quick visit home and then came home and took a nap…. oh how drifting into a dream was much needed. I went to FHE and took some pictures for the ward newsletter and then went to a BBQ for a friends birthday celebration! Who doesn’t love stuffing their face with hamburger and cupcakes?! I do.

Well my aunt just got into town and we have spent the last several hours just talking and catching up. I am so glad she is here! We have a very busy week ahead of us this week, so bring it on!!

Thought of today: Well Earlier, my friend, said something I really liked and was going to use. But it was his thought, so MY thought of today: Do unto others, as you would have them do to you.
Because honestly that comes down to the kind of person you are and how you view the value of another person’s feelings.

well, today was a day where all I wanted was a big hug. Today made me grateful for those little rugrats that tackle me when I go to my Parents house

x0x0x0x0
Desirae

Month 5. day 20.

May 21, 2012 Uncategorized

Well today… I was up until 6am with a splitting migraine and when I finally got to sleep, I only slept a few hours.
Today something is off though. I feel maybe I shared too much with someone and I am not sure what they will do with that information… or maybe I feel like… I don’t know! Something is just off and I can’t figure out what, which means that I don’t know how to fix it. But Right as I said a little prayer in my heart for peace, someone came and was an answer to my prayer. I was very grateful.
Church was great today, and after church I found myself a room with the piano and started working on a song.

There was a lunar eclipse tonight and it was beautiful…. Absolutely breathtaking and I am so glad I was able to see it

We hosted a game night tonight and it was a huge success. People were over until 2am. It was a blast.

I don’t know what this odd feeling is though…. It is so perplexing to me. Because it’s part happy…. I just don’t know why or which part? and I don’t know what the other parts are… I hate feeling like this.

Oh well, Maybe some decent sleep will help with this…. I am hoping to sleep at some point tonight. Megan is coming into town tomorrow at around 11pm so I will be up very late and this week will contain little sleep because when My aunt and I get together, we talk about everything under the moon. I like to hear her stories of my uncle, and She likes to hear mine, and we have so much in common and we just love each other. It is so great! I am so grateful for my relationship with her.

In fact, I am grateful for my relationships with anyone that I may have relationship with. I love nurturing them and talking to them, and when I think of them giving them a call or shooting them a meaningful message. I just enjoy that I guess.

I feel like I am making no sense right now… I really don’t understand this feeling… Maybe it’s vulnerability. I have been taking much more risks lately than I have in quite some time. That very well could be it…. It’s just a very strange feeling right now. Like I am nervous about being vulnerable? I don’t know, like I said, I don’t understand it and I have never felt it before. It could be a mix of every emotion under the moon.

I had a sudden craving to cuddle and watch a movie while drinking a smoothie. WOW that was random too. and I don’t know why I typed that. And I don’t know why I keep typing and not hitting backspace. It’s just that time at night I guess…. but it’s a little earlier than normal. Maybe it’s a combination of it being late and feeling a feeling that I haven’t felt before. That’s emotional exhausting. I should turn my computer off before I start saying something too important.

Hmm, This could be a dangerous night to have any electronic communication devices near me…

The thought of today: Sometimes there are really hard things that we go through, some are life long lasting consequences and some you just need to stay strong til you’re through it. What’s been helping me stay strong through the things that I have no control over is asking myself if it’s going to matter in 5 years. Or what part of it is going to matter in 5 years. Because If it doesn’t then you know that it isn’t worth a whole lot of time and energy. just be strong.

So basically the thought of the day: ask yourself, “Is this going to matter in 5 years from now?”

0000000000 <<< today is just a hug day… I need a really big hug right now…

Desirae

Month 5. Day 19.

May 20, 2012 Uncategorized

Today was a picture perfect day. In my eyes, nothing went wrong. I also slept the majority of the day…

Well last night, I got a phone call that lasted hours on end…but that’s a good thing and then after the phone call I ended up talking to another friend for a good couple more hours and it was a really deep conversation. My friend really needed to talk to me and it was such an incredible testimony builder for me too, because my friend told me that I was an answer to their prayers because she needed someone there for her and she didn’t think anyone could or would be. and There I was. It really made me feel blessed to be who I am and who I am is someone that she needed.

I finally got to sleep at the crack of dawn and slept til about 9am. I decided I WAS not waking up that early and since I didn’t have any plans and I do not like being bored, I would force myself back to sleep. So I slept til about noon and my mom called and wanted to bring the kids swimming at my place so they all came over and we went swimming and My roommate and I tanned and laid out and enjoyed the company.
I had woken up with a throbbing migraine… I literally felt like I had been hit by a train, so after they all left I just laid in my bed to relax and ended up falling back asleep til 6:45…. and then went back to bed for another hour. I finally woke up and my parents came over.

Now pause that, for this. I am so grateful for the priesthood and it’s role in my life. I am so grateful for those that value it in their life and live worthy to hold it as well. I LOVE that my dad has had it my entire life, I never had to look elsewhere growing up, and I am so grateful for that. I am grateful that my dad will still drop absolutely everything to come and help me when I am in need of the priesthood and it’s power. I also love that my family and I can share such spiritual experiences with one another so openly and testify to each other in just conversations. I just love my family too. anyways, I’m rambling now, but I am just grateful.
There has been a situation that I haven’t had any control over and I finally talked to my parent about it because it was really bothering me and effecting not just my physical and temporal being but my spirit and soul and just weighing at me. Because of the power of the priesthood and my dad’s willingness to exercise it, the situation has vanished. It was beautiful. I wish I could share it’s details, they are just too sacred, but we were all in tears and could feel it and it was just amazing.

So after my parents left, my roommate and I went to a psych marathon! After it was over, we met up with another roomie and some friends from the ward and went scorpion hunting and killing! woo! We then went and moved a couch. 4 girls, moved a couch all the way up our stairs too,, by ourselves. we were pretty proud.
WE all just hung out for a bit here at our house and They made me play guitar for them so I serenaded them, and I guess it gave me practice performing and they were nice so it was fun. We rapped up the night after a while of just hanging out and here I am. In my bed in my MayDay Parade tour t-shirt, not being able to sleep and left with my thoughts.

My thoughts are pretty entertaining right now though.

I have had so many miracles happen right in front of me the last week or so and it is so humbling and makes me feel so blessed. I am just a grateful heart.

SO let’s pick the thought of today: The person you want, should be the person that you are.
completely random but when I started typing that’s just what my fingers did. Let’s stick with it this time.

x0x0x0
Desirae

Happy. Happy. Happy.

May 18, 2012 Uncategorized

So, I know it is early in the day to blog, but I have a full schedule ahead of me. I am just so happy…. Like my insides can’t stop smiling.

Want to know something that I love?? Crap happens in life. Sometimes we get knocked down and we take some pretty hard blows. Things are just sometimes down right hard. BUT, There are things that make all of that O.K.

We need to focus on the happy things, the things that make us smile, feel all warm inside, make us excited, etc.
Hold onto those things and let them outweigh all the crap that happens.

Also, We need to surround ourselves with people who also invite positivity. Because negative people only bring negativity into our lives. We need to still be their friend and show them love and kindness, but we don’t have to choose to spend all our time with them.

I have always surrounded myself with positive people but i think i let negative people stay in my life more than they should have. I finally found a happy medium balance though that allows me to lead a much happier and lighter life!

Today is great at work today! We had two interview sessions and a training session. And I was scheduling a guy for an interview and just started chatting with him and found out he was a student at BYU and just down for the summer, so I asked if he was LDS and he was so we started talking and chatting as old friends and then I found out that he also works at hollister in the Superstition mall which is right across the way from my Buckle store. I thought it was hilarious.
I got to meet him just now and it was so exciting. I love talking to someone over the phone and then making that connection when they show up and being able to meet them and actually put a face to their name and voice. I love it! I had a couple people today that I was really excited about meeting and they all showed up.

Another thing that I am super happy about is we have a new contest at work that is based on how many people can schedule interviews for the SAME day. Rather than just who has the best overall stats. Whoever wins gets a free product that we market for that’s worth like $70 bucks.
I didn’t really care for the product, but I was just going to do what I do and see if I would win. However, as I was leaving the office yesterday, My co worker was really demeaning about the competition. “Not to be rude about it, but there is no way you are going to beat me on this. I’m just better at it than you are” he said. Uh. No. People don’t talk to me like that and then beat me. So I actually tried today and who is winning on day 1 of the competition?? yeah, that’s right me. Because I am just better at it.
Ha.

I absolutely cannot stand it when I am underestimated. I can do anything that I set my mind to, and I try my best at everything I do. I don’t waste my time doing anything half way. I just wish people could see that sometimes, people think that because I am young and have a fun sense of humor that I can’t take things seriously and be responsible and get things done. I hate being underestimated and stereo typed like that but I love showing people that they are wrong.

So tonight, there is a ward activity and I am super stoked to go and hang out with everyone! After that, My roommate and I are going to JesterZ! I am SO excited for that. I love that place.

So the thought of today is: let go of all the things that make you unhappy, and hang onto the ones that do!

Today was a Fairy tale.

May 18, 2012 Uncategorized

My life is a movie. And it’s my favorite movie. and I am so glad It’s mine.

Today started by going to the temple with my friend and doing baptisms for the dead (it’s a regular thing with us now).
That is honestly, the best way to start your day. It is so peaceful, puts things in perspective, gives you time to clear your head and think and be prompted by the spirit and receive personal revelation.

I got home with plenty of time before work, so I curled my hair, (Because I had a date later ) and then made myself some pancakes! yum yum yum!

Today was actually quite a busy day at work, and then I went on a secret ninja mission and so that made the day crazier but it was great! I really enjoyed talking to some of the people that I got to talk to at work today! I met some neat people too!
After that job, I came home and made dinner and then my mom and sister came over and I got to talk to them for a bit and catch up and it was great. I love them <3

I then went to Buckle and had an amazing night! I sold my first pair of jeans and fitted her for three more and she was great! I had 3 other clients come in and I just love fashion. I have taken fashion classes in high school and I have always liked it but this made me realize that I love helping other people look good and feel good about the way that they present themselves. It really was a blast tonight, I was so into it that I didn’t even take a break and before I knew it, it was closing time.
Tonight ended my training and when I go in next week, I am a full on personal shopper at the Buckle…. So if you want new clothes or just want to have fun trying stuff on (there really isn’t any pressure to buy, we do it because it’s FUN) then let me know and we can make an appointment and I can work with ya!! I would LOVE it! and It’s great experience for me.

I am hosting my Aunt next week when she comes into town from Georgia and I am SO excited! She is THE best! I cannnot wait to talk to her and catch up! We have always been like sisters when we get together.

After work tonight, I had a date with a man that is across the country in south/north Dakota. Believe it or not, (believe it, it’s truth) There are so many guys that take you on the typical date that is in person and can’t even pull off what this one did a kajillion miles away…. yeah. I know.
It was….. Lovely. and I blushed a lot and just feel really special right now… It was so thoughtful. Kinda can’t wait for the next one or just the next time I can actually see him… Little does he know, he may or may not be receiving a special surprise from me tomorrow morning… hehehe (remember that secret ninja mission I mentioned earlier?)

Of course, now I can’t sleep… But ***sigh****

Today started perfectly, and it ended perfectly. Today was a fairytale.

Thought of today: There are pivotal moments in each person’s life. Notice yours. and turn with the pivot.
Second thought of today… : EEEEP.
The end.

x0x0x0x0
Desirae

Month 5. Day 16.

May 18, 2012 Uncategorized

So. Today.
I worked my receptionist job, and it was pretty fun, I joked around a lot more with my co workers and that’s always fun. I came home for dinner and made some YUMMY hamburgers! I then got myself all ready for my buckle job! and honestly, That place is not even a job. It is THE funnest place ever! Everyone is so much fun and we all get along so great! and our manager is super young and trendy too! All we did today was try on clothes. So what I do at buckle, is I am a personal shopper. People make appointments with me and before they arrive I look at their purchase history to get a sense of their style and get their sizes. I then get to spend an hour putting together different outfits that would appeal to her but also giving her a few things that she wouldn’t normally try on but it has similarities so if she likes it, she is trying something new and spicing it up a bit but also staying true to her. So all this week i have been in training. Tonight, all we did was practice that. We had our “client” another person that worked there and we spent a half hour hanging out and just sensing their personality, collected their size and then just went crazy putting outfits together. Layering is by far my favorite. Or stacking. (fashion terms) layering is self explanatory, where you layer several shirts on one another like a cami tank and then a thick tank under a shirt that is shorter so you can see all the layers. And stacking is wearing jewelry you wouldn’t normally match with eachother. Like on the same hand that you have a watch, you also have like 5 more bracelets in front and behind it. Super cute. So not only do we create outfits, but we get to pick jewelry and hair accessories, and SHOES! I love it! and then we had the opportunity to choose all the clothes that WE liked and try them on ourselves. remember, I got paid for this! it was so much fun! I love it!

I got home and talked with my roommates for a few minutes and then watched Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium until I fell asleep.

The thought of today: Possibilities begin where your comfort zone ends. So take a risk and try new things and who knows what more great things it could bring into your life.

x0x0x
Desirae

Month 5. Day 15.

May 16, 2012 Uncategorized

Today was a lovely day as well. I am keeping myself busy but in a healthy way and It is so enjoyable (not stressful.)
Today was also a very very blessed day!!

So I went into work like any other day. I did my job, Got into my little bubble and just plowed into it all. My district manager came into my little office and asked to see me after I finished the set of tasks I was on. Uhm, nervewracking. That office never has official meetings like that, anything they say is super casual and in passing, even the formal stuff. It’s all just way laid back. So I know I am doing awesome at my job so I’m trying to convince myself it’s not anything bad.
Finally, I go back to see her and she just wanted to chat, talk about what was going on, what I did for my mom on mothers day, what she did for hers and with her husband, We talked for a while and then she pulled up my stats. and DUDE, I am just awesome at this job. (It’s really not that hard, at least not to me) but I rocked it and my district manager was way super totally incredibly Impressed. So we talked about things that could keep me consistent like I have been and talked about what was working and then she told me she was giving me a raise
YAY! So that was a totally unexpected twist to the day that was awesome!

Also, There has been a “situation” come up in my life. I really haven’t had any control over it. I was just kind of put there and had to try to pray really really hard and rely on the Lord that things would work out. I KNEW that they would. But as time dragged on, things got scarier right and then the prayers become harder and harder and more sincere and more of a begging, right? I am sure we have all felt like that. Like my life is a movie and God doesn’t come in and save us until the last moment. So I have been in this situation for a little while now and it’s been one of those things that I know I just have to do my best to live my life because I have no control over it but it just weighs at ya… and is always on the back of your mind trying to find a solution… even though you know you can’t. Well, Inspiration (and mostly the spirit) struck! I was prompted to talk to a certain person about the situation, I received an email back from this person and they were an answer to my prayers and everything is just falling into it’s place now. It was such a relief and another huge testimony builder that No matter what, When I demonstrate faith and truly trust in God that he will work in his time and trust that he knows what is best, Everything works out. Always does. And he often works through other people, and if we ever are those other people, we need to make sure that we listen to the spirit, are worthy of the spirit, and act on it’s promptings because we never know when we could be the answer to someone else’s prayer.
Heavenly Father has shown this concept to me TIME AND TIME again. It must be what I need a STRONG testimony of. I have a strong testimony of A LOT but this is always the core. He knows us and things will work out for the best, Trust it.

I went in to Buckle tonight for another shift. It was so much fun again! We worked a lot more with the product and got to try on more styles and fits and see the new lines that just came today and they are so cute! I already have a very specific outfit that I am going to get for a particular occasion hmm..
After work, I went running, scary thing is though, There was a drive by shooting that I didn’t know about and it was in my neighborhood and the shooter was still on the loose.. I was by myself with my head phones in. creepy! Glad my angels were watching out for me.

So the thought of today: At the end of the day, just do your best. Never worry about what the bitter hearts are going to say.

x0x0x0x
Desirae

Month 5. Day 14.

May 16, 2012 Uncategorized

I don’t know what it is about the number 14.. not a fan. Today, however, was a great day.
I worked all day at my receptionist job and the office was full of people! I met so many new faces and got to interact with new people and learn more about other people’s backgrounds and experiences through out life that got them where they are today and that is a huge thing that I like about the job.
After work, I went grocery shopping with my sister. Sounds so ordinary… not with us! It is an experience! How many people do you know that make grocery shopping an epic adventure rather than an errand or a chore? We had a blast. ’nuff said.
After dropping my sister back off with my family, and unloading and putting away groceries, I went to my second job! It doesn’t even feel like a job to me though. I love the environment and I love the people and I love being a personal shopper for people! So it was a great night! We had a mini fashion show and tried on jeans for each other so we could see how they all fit on different body styles. It was like I just took a shopping trip with a bunch of friends and we were goofing off, trying stuff on and teasing each other and swapping our own little fashion tips and stories.

After work, I went running, and am proud to say that I still have my 6 minute mile!
I ate some fruit and chatted with some friends that were over and then…. a friend in a far off land called so I retired to my chamber and talked to him for some several hours. He took me on a “virtual date” It was a pretty awesome date. We have another one Thursday. I guess you can say I am pretty excited. I mean I only find my mind wandering to those conversations quite often…. It’s probably a good thing then that I don’t have a lot of down time to just think… ha

The Thought of today is a quote that I used to love and was thinking about tonight… Bit off more than you can chew and then chew it. Don’t UNDERESTIMATE yourself. Because if you underestimate yourself, then everyone else is going to underestimate you too.

well x0x0x0x
Des

Mothers Day!

May 14, 2012 Uncategorized

This post is in honors of Mothers Day.
I just want to rave about my mom. She is my best friend. Ever since I was little she was always there for me, no matter what.
Through out my life,I have watched people walk in and out of my life. I have seen people lie, cheat and abandon me. I have been physically and emotionally exhausted and stressed out and that woman has seen me through it all. Every last minute of it.

There’s a quote that i love, “If you’re on the ground and I can’t help you up then I will lay down with you so you’re not alone” And this is how my mother was there for me.

I remember when I was about 4 years old and I just loved the taste of the bubble gum medicine. I don’t even know what it was for, but it was tasty and bright pink, all things of which a 4 year old are drawn to. Well Little old me got into the fridge, got through the child proof cap and drank myself a bottle of the bubble gum goodness!
Well, Mom found out and rushed me to the ER. I remember being held down by the nurses as a I kicked and screamed and seeing my mom in the corner wanting so bad to help me as they pumped my stomach but knowing that I needed the help. I remember being angry at her for not saving me from the disgusting charcoal, but she was my rock.

In fact, any time I was hospitalized after that she was my rock. She always held my hand, or cuddled with me, or talked on the phone with me, or slept over on a very uncomfortable coach with me.

I used to stay up all night writing papers and didn’t have the time or energy to actually type them up, which she always did for me. She was always wanting to help me succeed. She helped me study and keep my sanity through senior year where everything just felt like it was falling apart.

She is the woman that taught me to look at what really matters and what is really important in life and to me.
She taught me not stress the petty things.
She taught me to be kind to everyone. I am very sensitive to others’ feelings and it’s because my mother was so caring and aware of others. She was always the first to serve everyone else, even when she was in need herself.

My mom has been just a rock through everything, when dad was away on business, when he was working and going to school full time, when we were sick, when we had life shattering events, dealing with all 6 kids with such patience…

These are just a few things that I can say about my mother, but i love her! and I am so blessed to have her as my mother and my friend!

x0x0x
Des

Month 5. day 12. Sisters Day!

May 13, 2012 Uncategorized

So Last night, my sister came over and spent the night… I spent some time on the phone with a friend and we watched Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. I freaking adore that movie.

Today the little princess who usually sleeps all day was up at 5AM ready to swim! My goodness, she is a little ball of energy!
So we got all ready in our swim suits and ate breakfast and then jumped in the pool! Since it was fairly early, it was fairly cold, but we got used to it after a while. She kept saying how much she was enjoying it, so that made me really happy. After that we both took showers and got dressed back in normal clothes and then went and picked up some pizza and garlic bread for lunch. We watched some Hannah Montana while eating… That was totally her decision…. We started from the first episode and man that show is CHEESY!
After lunch we were both pretty full and exhausted (we really did swim for a long time), so we agreed it was nap time. I left Hannah Montana playing so she would fall asleep faster, but I ended up napping and she would wake me up to start a new episode because she changed her mind about wanting to sleep.
I had told her we were going to go shopping for mom today and she was really really excited about that so after a 30 min nap she was jumping on the bed saying that we had to drive to the store so we could go shopping. So, we packed all her stuff up and loaded it in the car and I took her to get a shaved ice. It was a nice treat on such a hot day! The yummy treat was followed by a shopping trip and finding the perfect gift for mom. In Ashleigh’s words, “It is so beautiful, We have to get this, She will love it and us forever! oh my gosh it’s beautiful” So of course that is what we got her!

Then we went back to mom and dad’s house and grandma was there, so we visited a while and then I left.

I am going to a kick back tonight with some old friends, but I am going to go for a run right now… I definitely need some clear thinking time!

Well, The thought of today, Never take a moment forgranted.
and honestly, I’m starting to feel really repetitive with the thoughts… but they have been dominating my mind lately.
I will probably have something better after my run.

until then, x0x0x0x0
Desirae

Month 5. Day 11.

May 11, 2012 Uncategorized

I am beyond stressed right now….. Keeping a very strong prayer in my heart. Really hoping things just fall into place. But there’s nothing else I can do except my best, so here goes!

I went for a swim this morning. It was beautiful weather and I figured it would be good exercise.

Today I went and wrote music…. I wrote lyrics too but I’m not happy with them. So I have a tune. Hopefully words come soon.

I am getting dinner with a friend tonight and then going to Mesa High’s one acts with her! Back in the day, we used to be the stars of that so now we just support!

I had a really scary experience today in the freeway. I was exiting and for some reason the middle lane on the off ramp was super backed up. Of course the car in front of me was going super fast so I thought all of traffic was going just as fast. All of a sudden the car in front me slams on his breaks and barely avoids an accident. I’m seeing this happen so I start to break and I honestly have no idea how I stopped. I would have hit the car and it would have been bad but while I was breaking my car turned so it had another like 2 seconds to stop. I don’t recall turning the wheel, it could have been subconsciously or it could have been divine protection. I was literally breathless. I was practically a zombie all the way home.

Thought of today: don’t drive faster than your angel can fly.

And another random thought: I hate being misunderstood… I realized today that being judged wrongly really really bothers me. I just want everyone to be able to read my mind and just know me. <3

Longest day ever.

May 11, 2012 Uncategorized

I really feel like today has been 3 days.
I slept in, went to the temple, had a doctors appointment, played music, went and saw my brother in a talent show, then went and completed my first night at Buckle.

I am somewhat frustrated right now. I have this song stuck inside me. Two of them actually. And I have the idea and concept and feeling behind them but cannot compose them! I am getting so frustrated with my music… Like I’ll feel ok about a song and then I hear my friend play her song and I wonder why I even bother. It’s something that makes me happy though and I know if I keep trying I’ll get to where I want to be… I hope.

I am trying not to let that bring me down. But I will have plenty to keep me busy and my mind occupied. I got a second evening job. So I’ll just work days as a receptionist and nights as a buckle associate. I Am so excited about Buckle! Everyone is super great and friendly and they play good music all day long. Winnnn!!! And I get to wear jeans and flip and flip flops or whatever I want! I am excited to finish training.

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now. Oh well.
Let’s hope I can turn my mind off for a few hours to get some sleep.

Thought of today: timing is key.

Temple work.

May 10, 2012 Uncategorized

An old friend of mine and I went to the temple today and participated in baptisms for the dead. It was so great. The spirit was so strong.
I sat there for a while and just thought about stuff and I imagine that the temple is heaven on earth. That’s what it was designed for. For us to have a place of sanctity and to escape the world and also to serve others in such a righteous way. I really felt like I was not in this confusing, fast paced world anymore and for a moment, I was just an infinite me becoming closer to God.

After talking to my friend afterwards, we decided it needs to be more of a regular addiction than just an effort. We are going to go a couple times a week and I am so excited. That’s what we all need in this world is just some time put to serve the lord.

On an unrelated note, I got that second job that I had applied and interviewed for. I start tonight! So that will be just another activity to keep me busy.

Thought of the day: distance makes the heart grow fonder.

heartbreaker

May 10, 2012 Uncategorized

Today I felt like quite the heartbreaker…..
I received flowers last week from a secret admirer. I finally figured out who it was and gently informed him that I am not interested. I made sure to let him know that it was really sweet and thoughtful and that some girl is going to love that, just not me this time. I know it takes a lot of courage to do things like that for a girl. I didn’t want to shoot him down completely because his future wife is going to want things like that… So I want him to keep doing things like that… just not for me.
I had been friends with a guy and he had started becoming a little too attracted to me so I had to sit down with him and let him know all we’d ever be is friends cuz I just wasn’t interested in him in that way.

It gets better though… I got home from teaching my dance class and there was a new bouquet of flowers and a case of paradise bakery cookies on the counter. I asked my roommates who they were for because I was really wanting some of those cookies. turns out they were for me from a whole different guy who heard i hadn’t been feeling well…..
Sweet thought but once again, not interested… So I talked to him too, and he appreciated my honesty and didn’t take it personally. And the cookies are really good!

it’s crazy how that happens. I just got a second job so my time will be scarce but at least it will keep me busy this month… because this month needs to go by fast. .. for multiple reasons.

Thought of today: Smile. Kill em with kindness.

rain, rain, please don’t go away.

May 10, 2012 Uncategorized

Month 5. Day 9.
So today I slept all day because little, invincible me finally got sick. I also had another job interview today. So I slept all day and had beautiful dreams and then went to the interview. I think it went really nicely and they will be emailing me they said. I hope i get it, because that discount would be nice! The environment is one I would thrive in too! Everyone is way nice and they have music blasting all day! I would be so good at that job simply because the music would motivate me. So time will tell what happens there.

When I was walking out, it was POURING! Did that stop me from strolling leisurely to my car? absolutely not. I enjoyed every second in the rain and couldn’t wait to get home to run around and play in it.

I am currently sitting on my lovely window sill, sipping on my venti hot chocolate and just thinking. The tree outside my window is shaking and making a very rhythmic tapping sound on the roof, the thunder is shaking the earth and the lightning is just lighting up the entire sky! It is the most beautiful thing!
There really is only a few things that could make this afternoon any better…. and that is if I had someone to cuddle up to right now and listen to his heartbeat at the same time. But that would be altogether, way too perfect so of course that won’t happen. Or a puppy. I would love a puppy right now…

So with the rain, I always end up thinking… so here are just a few thoughts that run through my mind,
There comes a time when you must stand alone.

You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.

You must be willing to make sacrifices.

You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.

Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.

There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.

Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.

Be confident enough that you won’t settle for a compromise just to get by.

Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.

Don’t stand in someone else’s shadow when it’s your sunlight that should lead the way.

The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

You will always be good enough. at least be good enough for yourself.

As long as you are doing your best, smile about it.

OK, enough of those.. But I found this notebook that I have been writing in for about 3 years now, and I haven’t picked it up in a couple months and I was reading through it and it made me realize a lot of things…. it was a great dance through time.

I read a poem today, “I will let your smile drive the dark away, your voice still my storms, and your hugs charm my fears away.”
I really like that….

So I was asked to help teach a dance class tonight, so I should start stretching out. Yay! I love dancing!

The thought of today, Is to really take in those moments that mean the most to you. Don’t let them escape..
Along with everything else I said earlier..

x0x0x0x
Desirae

Month 5. Day 8.

May 9, 2012 Uncategorized

Today was quite a lovely day. I had plenty of time this morning before work so I treated myself to a hot chocolate. I had a pretty decent day at work and then visited my mom for dinner. We had a nice chat and I got to see my dad for a bit! My brother and I talked for a while too. He is finally becoming interested in my life. I guess it’s been too boring for him before.
I had to go to my last class tonight just for attendance but we had a giant party with three different restaurants catering and lots of different foods and desserts. It was worth going for.

My dad came and brought me some things after I got home and before going to bed my roommate and I awaited 11:11 to make our wish.

Girl mode: so I like a boy. It’s been made prettttyyyy obvious. And whenever I think of the different things I’ve done with said boy, or things that he’s said or I’ve said… I can’t help but smile. It makes me feel rather silly sometimes. Just sitting there, smiling at myself.
But it keeps life interesting. And I absolutely adore these mental pictures I have taken.

The thought of today: we should not let pride get in the way of our hearts. We often regret words that we have left unspoken.

x0x0
Desirae

Almost. Month 5. Day 7.

May 8, 2012 Uncategorized

Today Was a good day…. I hadn’t got home until very early this morning and ended up sleeping all day but it was much needed.
I went to dinner with my roommate and then went to family home evening.
After family home evening, I was taken on a spontaneous walk to a park with a lake. It was a nice walk and the weather and scenery were absolutely beautiful. It really is all about the simple things in life.
We then joined a group of friends for a game of murderer in the dark. That was really enjoyable. I haven’t played that game in a long time.
I also saw a scorpion for the first time tonight!
What a day…. What a day…
That’s all I have to say.

I was thinking about something though.
I received an email from one of my friends in the mission field and towards the end he was talking about how people say “oh, I almost quit smoking.” or things in relation. But really it doesn’t matter if you “almost” do anything because the truth of the matter is that you didn’t.
Thought of today: We should strive to live without “I almost..” but with “I Did…”

X0x0x0
Desirae

Stop a moment.

May 7, 2012 Uncategorized

We all have the power to stop time. There are moments in life that just silence the entire world and that picture and feeling is forever frozen just the way it is.
There are moments that will constantly stay perfect in your mind because of the way they were frozen in your mind.

I have been thinking about a lot today and I realized that these moments happen more than we think.
We all have moments that we live for, ones that everyone is searching for.

When we have a moment that freezes in time and silences the world, take every mental picture you can. Immortalize it. These moments are the moments we live for.
Take pictures in your mind and when things seem so chaotic, think back to when the world was silenced in the moment. Remember exactly how it made you feel…. It will take you a long way.
These moments are beautiful.

Thought of today: love knows not what time is.
X0x0x0
Desirae

Month 4. Day 5.

May 6, 2012 Uncategorized

Cinco de mayo!!
I pulled an all-nighter last night and literally did not sleep a wink! It was so worth it though.
Dad’s graduation was today! I met up with my mom and we carpooled to ASU to support him!
He double majored so we had to sit through two graduations but they were nice and both were important to my dad.
After the second graduation, all the family that was there went to Texas roadhouse and celebrated! It was yummy and great company!
My cousin also just got married so following dinner we went to their reception. I am so so so happy for them. My cousin is a great guy and she is so good for him.
After the wedding, I had a date…..

First, I got a private concert in his living room before we went out by a lake. The lake and it’s surroundings were gorgeous. We layed out some blankets and watched the stars. Even it being so simple, it was one of the best nights. I love watching the sky and last nights moon was so beautiful and bright! They call it a supermoon! Haley’s comet was supposedly supposed to fall too but we didn’t see any shooting stars… But I made a wish by other means. It was a memorable night. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

So the thought of today: do not live in the result of someone else’s thinking. Think for yourself and create your own results and consequences.

Today was a fairy tale.
Xoxoxo
Desirae

Month 5. day 4.

May 4, 2012 Uncategorized

May the fourth be with you… corny joke.

Today has been pretty mellow… For the amount of sleep that I obtained last night, I am surprised that I was as energized as I was. I woke u[ in THE best, most happy, outgoing, energetic moods! I love that! I came in to work and it was a pretty slow day. I found myself doodling a lot….
I had a meeting today and my stats were brought up, and they are BOMB!
It was really funny because I was having a private conversation with a coworker about some stuff that had happened this week and when my stats were brought up it was very clear that those events had a direct effect on my productivity.

My stats were above average to begin with but I had a lot on my mind and things kind of weighing at me. on Wednesday my stats just sky rocketed though. Enough to get me a spot in the company newsletter that is for the whole district, not just my location!
In the meeting, we were discussing what happened between Tuesday and Wednesday that boosted my numbers so much and honestly, It all comes down to letting go of what was on my chest. I just laid out everything that was bothering me and then my mind was so much more open and my heart was free. It didn’t matter what the result was, but by opening up I felt more open in every part of my life because I didn’t have anything weighing at me.
I thought it was a pretty funny coincidence.

Today after work, I am babysitting for a few hours while the mom runs some errands.
Then I am going to JesterZ! I am so excited!
Hopefully I will get a decent amount of sleep tonight, I have to be up early for my daddy’s graduation

Thought of today: You only live life once. You have one shot at each moment… Don’t let that be intimidating but let it be motivating. Let that motivate you to do your best in all that you take the time to do.

x0x0x
Desirae

Month 5. Day 3.

May 4, 2012 Uncategorized

May is on fire! Literally and metaphorically. It has started with a bang and I hope it just keeps smoking.
Today I went to work and of course I kicked butt! I won a competition with a co-worker yesterday so I got to manage the coveted front end of the office today.
After work, I went home and showered and then relaxed for a bit by the pool and colored some spongeBob pictures.
After I got a decent amount of sun, I got dressed and was in the mood to play rockband. So I called up a friend and went over and jammed out! It was great!

When I got home, I saw a lovely surprise in my drive way. I did not know that a certain boy was coming over to help out my roommate with something, so that was pleasant.

We all sat around and talked for a while, and I seriously have never laughed so hard in my entire life! I could not breathe! It was absolutely fantastic. They were over until about 4AM and it was worth every last second.
I have stated before that laughter is the cure all, and it’s true. I love laughing!
I may just like spending time with certain people too….. yeah, I’m sure that has something to do with why i enjoyed it so much too…. maybe.

Thought of today: In a world full of people trying to one-up everyone else, be humble and only try to do better than you did yesterday.

x0x0x
Desirae

Month 5. Day 2.

May 3, 2012 Uncategorized

Today was hands down the best day in a really long time.
I was up all night finishing my LAST philosophy paper and was up super early so I could rush to school to turn it in before I headed to work. I had a pretty successful day at work, my stats are looking pretty dang impressive! After work, I planned on taking a 5 hour nap since I was up all night writing. However, those plans changed when I was sent on a scavenger hunt. It was the best afternoon that I have had in a very, very long time.
It was the boy that I happen to be somewhat attracted to… physically and emotionally… and It was so much fun and pretty adorable. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. After the scavenger hunt, I called and talked to said boy. Then of course I was way too excited to sleep. I had just completed a scavenger hunt! That’s not a typical afternoon, totally caught me off guard.
Come to think of it, the best things happen when you’re caught off guard. They are also the most memorable.

Our old roommate got back in town so a few of us went to eat and catch up a bit.
Then I went to county swing dancing…. I haven’t decided if I regret it or not yet. I was so drained of energy due to all the stress and lack of sleep the last week so I was not feeling it at all. I was so drained. I did enjoy myself though.
After the dancing, I talked to a few friends and then my sleepy little head laid itself to sleep.

Well, today was just a fairytale.
Thought of today: Don’t look for perfect moments, look for a moment and make it perfect.

x0x0x
Desirae

Month 5. Day 1.

May 2, 2012 Uncategorized

What an amazing way to start the month of May!
I had work this morning. Today was a good day! I do enjoy my job I am looking for a second one for summer though! I need to save as much as possible before school starts.

After work, I went and *finally* was able to pick up my contacts and then picked up a doctors note from my MRI last night since I had to miss class.
I then came home and was perfecting my National Issue Presentation for my English class.
I then found out that we had to have a 10 page paper on our presentation and so I had to whip one of those up like it was nothing with 4 sources and in text citations! I did it despite the time crunch! It was a great paper I feel, too!
A friend came over and helped me add some spice to my presentation! Oh, and how that was so very much appreciated.
My presentation went really well and I got an A+! MY teacher talked to me after and she just went ON AND ON about how well prepared and flawless I was. She was just floored at my presenting skill….. I almost cried tears of joy! I worked *SO* hard on the whole thing and to have it be recognized and worth it and pay off is the absolute most incredible feeling ever! I feel so liberated! I also feel like a nerd that this is what brings me such joys these days!

I have one more paper to write that is due by noon tomorrow and I am DONE with my Sophomore year in college! BOOM!

Thought of today: Sometimes when things aren’t working out, it’s not because one big thing didn’t work or isn’t working or happening, it usually is just one small thing that only needs just a tweak to make the pieces fit better to gain the best result. If you aren’t completely happy in life or satisfied with the way that things are going or how you feel, just find ONE thing (yes, this is a challenge) that you can do better and tweak it and find out what’s going to work to make it better and then DO IT.

sweet dreams <3

Desirae x0x0x0x

Month 4. Day 30. Emotionally Exhausted.

May 1, 2012 Uncategorized

I am absolutely exhausted in every sense of the word. Somehow, I managed to get through today.
I was up til 4am, somehow i think it was worth it even though all it did was make every situation worse. I had the absolutely, most restless night of sleep in my entire life waking up every 5 minutes panicking. I somehow was productive at work and had a great day! You know, for it being Monday and all.
After work, I went and looked at a house and really liked it. the roommates seemed really great and the house was beautiful. Definitely need to pray about it.

I then had an MRI of my brain because of my migraines. The imaging place was 2 hours behind. And it was freezing in there! So i wrote a letter and talked to a couple friends on the phone. After I was finally called back they got my all strapped to the bed and put the cage around my head. That’s when the emotion hit me,
It has been so hard going through medical related issues alone like that. I have always had a hand to hold or a voice to hear to soothe my soul.
Not only was my head trapped in a cage and my entire body shoved into a small, loud, dark tube, but half way through, they come in, pull me out, stick me with a needle, inject a dye, bandage me up and send me back in. Mind you that my head is still in a cage. I’ve never handled needles well. I am like a four year old. But I had to lay there completely still and just take it. I was brave. I was so proud of myself.

They say you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. Well, with everything going on, I keep finding out how strong I am. which is pretty dang strong.

I have felt so meloncholy lately. Only when I’m alone…. I’m just so bummed when things don’t work out when I work so hard!

I was playing skiball tonight and got a couple tickets each round, but there was one round where i got the ball in the top hole each time! So I was totally expecting more than the usual tickets, but I still only got two each time. I found that Once I realized that it didn’t matter how much effort I put in or how good I scored, I got the same result, I just didn’t try anymore. It got boring so fast and I moved on.
There is a pretty deep metaphor in that, In life, if we try our absolute hardest to reap the absolute best results but when get the same results as when we are just mediocre or don’t try very hard, and it becomes a pattern, eventually in human nature you don’t keep trying super hard because there is no greater reward for your efforts.

That hit me really hard today.
despite that realization though, we all still need to keep hope and keep trying hard because it betters our society. Whether we see immediate effects or not so immediate or great affects.

That was the thought of today. I have a whole slew of emotions I need to *attempt* to sort through along with all my finals and presentations this week.

I am definitely being carried through all this right now.

I hope everyone is doing their absolute best in all you take the time do. otherwise it’s just a waste of time and energy.

x0x0x0
Desirae