Anyone ever thought of suicide?
Jan 19, 2012 Uncategorized
Posted by
Desirae
Let me start by clarifying that I am not suicidal. I have just had many provoking thoughts about the subject.
Everyone knows someone who knows someone who committed suicide, and often times people think to themselves what would happen to them if someone close to themselves were to do the deed. If someone starts talking about suicide, most of societies advice is to “think about how you would affect your family. Think about your friends, think about this.” Which I COMPLETELY understand. On one hand suicide can be a very selfish act and most people when they think of what it would do to their family, stop entertaining the thought, or suppress it and they see how much they are loved yatta yatta..
However, I don’t think many people look at the depressed or anxious person’s point of view very often. If someone you know has taken their own life, yes, it is a very grievous thing and you are bombarded with thoughts of what you would’ve done differently to be there for that person, etc. But shouldn’t you have been there from the start? People are so fragile. How do you know how big the snow mound is that they are battling? How do we know which snowflake is going to cause the avalanche? We don’t. So we need to treat people like we would carry glass on top of a long pole. We need to treat people and their emotions so gently.
Back to the subject of someone who has already taken their life. Isn’t that such a sad, terrible, and depressing life that they honestly and truly felt like absolutely no one was there to help them, or if there were people there to help them, they were much past the point of no return.
Isn’t that sad, that that person had absolutely nothing to live for anymore?
Yes, suicide can be a selfish act. Depending on how you look at it. But I feel sad for people who blame them or hate them for “leaving them on earth” because that person must have felt that everyone left them!
Think about it. And treat people as if you could make it or break it for them. Would YOU want to be the snowflake that causes the avalanche?
January 24th, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Unfortunately, I have thought of it. Believe it or not, but I hit a sever depression between when I was 12-15. I just felt so lonely. I didn’t really have any close friends at school and church just just awful. I only felt like a statistic there. It didn’t seem as though anyone wanted me around, especially at church as I was too “different” from everyone else for anybody to consider befriending. I really thought that God hated me then because otherwise I’d have had friends in the ward. I was so tired of being alone. When I’d attend mutual, it was rare that anyone would even notice me. It was my lowest point; a point that I’m still struggling to recover from. I really believe that its due to this that I still struggle with the church and this doesn’t make me happy at all. As why can I not just let go of the past and move on? I need to. Its not healthy for me to hold onto all the pain from the past. I need to heal; to make myself strong again. But apparently it takes more than that to move on and heal. Apparently it takes more than a band aid to make the huge salted infested gashes on my soul go away. Gashes formed by being ignored and left out and not feeling like anyone cared. Salted by the many years of this treatment.
I am trying to move on. I am trying to make myself strong. To heal. That’s why I HAD TO go so far away from home for college. I HAD TO get away from my place of pain. I NEEDED to be free from the sorrows and shadows of the past so that I could try to pick myself up again and build a life that’s all I ever wanted. A life that might one day be one that I CAN finally be the woman that I’ve always felt that I was supposed to be; a strong, courageous, outgoing, open, artistic & scientific, brilliant and brave woman who never bows her head in fear or shame. A woman who can look you in the eyes and tell you that she’s not afraid anymore and that she’s not lonely anymore.
Am I proud to say that I’ve considered suicide in my past? NO! Absolutely not. It was the lowest I’ve ever been and I WON’T LET MYSELF fall that far again. I’ve stood next to the abyss and nearly didn’t survive. I know how that feels. I know the pain and agony of soul that causes that and I also know that its such a dark, lonely and scary place down there and that its a long fall to get down and an even longer, harder climb back up; but a climb worth it as on top there’s freedom and joy. I can only hope that my fall down that pit will someday allow me to help another, to keep him or her from falling like I did. To see the loneliness in another’s eyes and know how that feels so that I can keep them from falling all the way to the bottom, so they have little or no climb back to the top.
January 26th, 2012 at 4:34 am
I am so sorry that you have felt that way. I am even more sorry that I was apart of the group that made you feel like that.
I know it may not even mean anything to you know, but in our meetings you were NOT just another statistic, we really talked about what we could to help you feel as if you were apart of the group. We tried to center certain activities to things we thought you would be interested in too.
I understand what you mean about needing to get far away. When there is so much pain lurking around every corner reminding you of the past it is hard to live in. It is like you are being tormented all over again. It makes a person crazy. I feel like that all the time, However, I knew that if I moved (I know from experience) that I will miss the good things too much. So I am stuck somewhere in the middle. Maybe leaving for a while to heal and then come back a new person.
You are right, that place is so SAD and so ALONE and it always seems as if you really are at the point of NO return. And I don’t wish that on anyone. I just wish that in our culture, some of us would really look at others and notice that they are screaming for someone to just ask them what’s wrong. But I think sometimes, that we are all afraid of the answers. Or we are afraid that we don’t know what to say. But I think honestly, all someone needs is someone to tell them that tit’ll work out. Or if they need to talk that that person is there. Our society is such a shallow one these days and it makes me really sad.